


Forceful

by Shell_LA



Series: Forceful Series [1]
Category: The Voice RPF
Genre: Alcohol Abuse, Angst, Eating Disorder, M/M, Shevine, non-con
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-04
Updated: 2014-12-04
Packaged: 2018-02-28 02:24:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 14
Words: 41,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2715470
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shell_LA/pseuds/Shell_LA
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They’d always been wrapped up in one another- theirs was a poisonous love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: Contains Non-con.

After a long day on set, Adam was in the midst of an extremely precise warrior pose.

He was focused on his breaths, the deep measured inhale and exhale, when a sharp knocking on the front door shook him from his relaxed state. Letting out a small squeak of surprise, he only just prevented himself from toppling over. His face twisting in mild annoyance, he shook out his shoulders before padding over to the door to peak through the scope. The sight of a plaid covered chest greeted him. He sighed; he only knew one person that tall. 

“…Freaking idiot.” Adam grumbled half affectionately before swinging open the door. Blake waltzed in without preamble, like he owned the place. He turned around in the foyer and Adam had to look up to meet the man’s gaze, which slowly traveled downward. This is when Adam remembered he was only wearing his relaxed yoga pants and nothing else. He self-consciously folded his arms over his bare chest.

“You’re way early Blake. No one else will be here for like an hour and a half. I was working out.” Adam offered this statement as both greeting and explanation for his state of dress.

Blake uttered a small “hmm” in response, his attention obviously elsewhere. Adam tried to fight down the heat rising in his cheeks and cleared his throat, “Nobody else will be here until like 8 or 9… do you want to come back later?”

To any of Adam’s other friends, this would be an obvious but polite request to get lost for a while. But to the man from Oklahoma it was merely a neutral inquiry. Adam’s leading question went right over his head.

“Nahh that’s alright. Figured I’d get a head start on things and pregame here for a while. I can sit back with my beer, don’t let me interrupt you.” With that Blake finally returned his gaze to Adam’s face and smiled before turning on his heel to head to the kitchen.

“I might even learn a little something from you!” He called back over his shoulder.

“Doubt that’s even possible!” Adam shot back, trying to give as good as he got, like the old days. He heard Blake’s booming laugh from down the hall in lieu of a response.  
Adam looked heavenward and closed his eyes before heaving a great sigh, in hopes of garnering patience. Why was dealing with his best friend so difficult? Things had been weird recently.

Both at work on the show and off set socially, Blake had been taking the whole ‘bromance’ joke to a whole new level these past few weeks. Adam didn’t get why no one else saw how much it had escalated, to the point where there were now times he was really uncomfortable on set.

The other coaches apparently couldn’t see a difference since they were still laughing in delight every time he and Blake were the topic of humor on the show. Adam did his best to keep things the same as they were and not show how he felt, lest it hurt the ratings and everything they’d all been working for.

But it was getting harder. Blake was becoming bolder. He was more hands on than ever and his leering was as noticeable as Adam had ever seen it, though he pretended to not notice the change. Whenever the rock star had to struggle to escape the larger man’s grasp, it seemed to delight Blake, who didn’t let him go as easily anymore.

Adam shook his head to scatter his anxious, racing thoughts. He padded over to his mat and resumed his pose, trying not to feel unsafe knowing it was just he and Blake in the house right now.

They were best friends for crying out loud! He was being paranoid. He exhaled and closed his eyes as he heard the clicking of Blake’s boots coming back towards the living room.

He heard his friend settle down on the couch and the tell tale sound of a mobile unlocking- Blake was probably tweeting his first drink of the night, as he was often fond of doing.

They continued on in silence for a while, as Adam worked through his practice. He was just managing to get back into his relaxed state, and was hanging his head down low. The smaller man was letting his hands press against the mat in front of him to stretch out his calves and lumbar when Blake let out a quiet, approving whistle.

“Well now,” he drawled, “Don’t you just make a pretty picture.”

Adam jerked his head towards the couch and opened his eyes, but Blake wasn’t there anymore. Suddenly there were two very large, very rough hands squeezing his hips. Adam let out an involuntary gasp and snapped back into an upright position.

“What the fuck man?” He yelled at the country singer angrily. Adam tried to walk forward and twist around to look the man in the eye. Blake tightened his grip on the smaller man, who groaned in pain. That hurt. “Let me go! You’re hurting me dude!”

Adam felt himself be pulled up against the taller man, who ground himself against his backside and bent forward to rasp in his ear, “I can’t, rock star. You’ve been doin’ things to me for far too long and I’ve just ‘bout had enough.”

Adam’s heart was pounding a mile a minute, and he stilled in alarm. No one was going to be here for a long while yet. His phone was in the kitchen. What the fuck was he supposed to do?

“Blake. You know I care about you but this is not cool. You’re my best friend man, let’s take a step back and talk about this.” Adam tried to keep his voice steady as he pleaded. He worked up the courage to look sideways and upwards into Blake’s eyes and was scared to see no trace of uncertainty in his features. The man was leering down at Adam with a hunger that the rock star recognized all too well.

“Come on, can you just- mmphh-!!” Adam’s attempt to negotiate was cut off as Blake kissed him fiercely. Overcome with shock, he tried to whip his head to the side in an attempt to break the kiss. One of the country star’s hands came up and seized his face in a brutal grip that kept the smaller man in place.

Adam let his knees buckle, hoping that becoming dead weight would make Blake let go of him- he started to feel sick when he realized his friend was just following him towards the floor. He quickly turned over on all fours and started to try and crawl away, pulling from Blake’s grip with all his might.

Blake let out a dark chuckle that turned into snarl and pulled Adam back underneath him with seemingly no effort at all. He’s too big, Adam’s brain supplied; He’s way stronger than you- there’s no way…

“I’m goddamn tired of your teasin’ Adam.” Blake said in a much rougher voice than usual. The smaller man couldn’t help notice Blake’s southern drawl was way stronger in this moment. He could hear his own breathing quicken to a previously unmatched rate. This couldn’t be happening. The rock star felt himself start to slip into shock, and he squeezed his eyes shut.

Blake didn’t let up though. He started fumbling with Adam’s waistband, roughly shoving aside Adam’s hands as he tried to push Blake away from that area. “It’s been years. Years! Weeks on end of this joke, and I’m tired of it. Aren’t you tired of it Adam? Of pretending? I’m gonna have you now- Christ, finally! It’s been a long time comin’…”

“Stop!” Adam was writhing against Blake as he loomed over him. The man was managing to wrench the rock star’s pants from his body after some serious struggling, “I’ve not been pretending! This was all only ever a joke, you’re confused! You’ve got to stop, I don’t want this!”

Blake’s hands found a home against Adam’s shoulders, and he slammed him onto his back against the floor. Adam's head bounced off the yoga mat, leaving him dizzy.  
He felt one hand lift away from him, and as he tried to focus his blurry vision he heard the sound of a belt buckle being undone. Before he could try to escape again, one of Blake’s arms crushed against his windpipe whilst the other reached downwards.

The man was kissing Adam harshly again, biting him as he used his long legs to spread Adam’s apart. The smaller man couldn’t bring his head back away from the kiss since he was crushed to the floor; there was no way out!

He kept wriggling in an attempt to loosen Blake’s grip, and tried to scream as he felt a blunt finger press against his hole. Tears came to his eyes as he felt his friend’s digit breach him, and he looked up helplessly into a face lost in lust.

“P-please! Don’t d-do this Blake!” Adam sobbed, finally able to wrench his face away to the side. His voice was hoarse; weak from the pressure the older man was placing on his throat. One finger quickly became two, then three which were pumping in and out of him without any trace of gentleness.

Blake showed no signs of stopping and Adam pressed the side of his face harder to the ground so as to not look at his attacker. His struggling was starting to weaken and he let out a hitched wail of pain and anguish as his hopes for a stop to this began to die.

“That’s right baby… come on sweetheart. Give me your best.” Blake crooned into Adam’s ear, panting as he mouthed against the younger man’s face. He seemed to be getting off on Adam’s panic, who could now smell the overpowering scent of hard liquor coming from the country star. How drunk had Blake already been before he’d arrived?

Adam felt Blake’s fingers leave him, and he looked upwards again as he pushed with all his strength against Blake’s still clothed chest. He glanced down as he fought and saw his friend exposed and focused, trying to guide himself towards Adam’s entrance.

He felt the thick pressure and screamed as Blake penetrated him. Blinding pain seized his pelvic region as Blake pushed until he was fully seated in the smaller man.  
Tears were falling freely now as Adam pushed against him pointlessly. Blake was letting out soft moans of pleasure, not noticing the tremors now shaking Adam’s body.  
“You feel so good baby…all mine…” 

Adam was completely overwhelmed by the sheer mass of Blake. Blake was pressing himself harder against him as he kept one hand on his throat and gripped his hair tightly with the other, surrounding him.

“No, you son of a bitch,” Adam croaked through his crying, managing a watery glare, “I’m no-“ Blake used his grip to steer Adam’s head for more kissing, shutting down his protests in the process.

As he felt Blake’s tongue force it’s way into his mouth, Adam felt a roll of nausea. He was about to try and bite the stronger man when Blake began to thrust in earnest, earning another bout of muffled cries from Adam.

The country star’s pace was brutal as he worked himself into Adam, who’s futile pushing against Blake’s chest eventually stopped. The rock star began to withdraw into himself, and cradled his arms against his chest uselessly as his smaller body was jarred by Blake’s thrusts.

"It’ll be over soon..." he thought to himself.

Sensing the end of his fighting, Blake’s hand left Adam’s hair and wrenched his wrists up above his head in a bruising grip. There was no reaction from Adam, who seemed to be staring upward straight through Blake. The only indication now of his awareness was the continuous stream of tears still leaking from the man’s eyes.  
This angered Blake, though he didn’t know why, and he began to tighten his grip on Adam’s throat as he kept thrusting into him. 

Adam’s eyes widened, and the smaller man stirred as he tried in vain to draw a breath. He started to fight in earnest to break his hands from Blake’s grip, to try and pull Blake’s hands from this throat.

A lightning bolt of lust shot through Blake at Adam’s panic, and he began pounding into him frantically now. As Blake chased his pleasure Adam was weakening once more, and he began to turn shades of red as he fought to breathe. The soft sounds of effort coming from Adam as his eyes fluttered shut did it for Blake, who came inside his best friend with a shout. 

He released Adam’s windpipe as he collapsed on top of the man, and felt the weak, shuddering coughs and gasps coming from beneath him.  
Adam continued to breath harshly, attempting to bring in as much air as possible to maintain consciousness as Blake’s full weight smashed against him. The older man was still buried within him, and didn’t seem interested in moving. 

Blake crowded Adam more, and gripped his jaw one last time to steal a final kiss, deep and filthy. The rock star didn’t fight him this time, just remained limp as Blake manhandled him.

“Mmm baby… You were just as sweet as I knew you’d be. Good to know all that teasin’ wasn’t false advertising after all.” Blake murmured against Adam’s lips.  
He caressed Adam’s face and hair gently, in a sick imitation of how one would cradle a lover after great sex. As Adam looked up into a seemingly adoring face, he attempted to convey the depth of this betrayal through a glare, as he was too battered to speak.

He only hoped someone would get here soon, or Blake would pass out so he could call for help. 

The other man may be bigger and stronger, and he may have gotten what he wanted, but this was by no means over. Adam vowed in that moment to make Blake pay.


	2. Chapter 2

The next day…

“God damn it...” Adam was in the kitchen. It was very early, with the sun only just rising through the wall of windows facing the oceanfront. For the past few minutes, he had been trying and failing to make himself a pot of green and jasmine tea. He couldn’t get his hands to stop shaking.

He had woken up in immense pain that morning, with deep aches radiating from nearly all of his muscles. Adam lay there for a moment, just trying not to hyperventilate as his brain had him relive yesterday’s incident a fair few times. The musician took some shaky, deep breaths in an attempt to calm the fuck down, but it didn’t have much effect.

He stared at the ceiling, willing himself not to cry, but it was a close thing. He had tried to get up to go relieve himself and had fallen back into the sheets with a groan of pain. He couldn’t believe how bad it hurt down there- enough to send a wave of nausea through him.

After some mental pep talk he gingerly made his way to the bathroom, where after he did his business he caught sight of himself in the mirror. There were bruises everywhere. The rock star felt his limbs begin to go cold as he vaguely examined them. When he gently touched his throat to feel the hand shaped imprints there, everything seemed covered by a surreal haze. This was not him. This couldn’t be his body.

For the first time since yesterday, the feelings of fury and betrayal ripped through his chest again. Blake did this. Blake did THIS. His best friend, the seemingly harmless southern man, who was married for fuck’s sake!

Adam’s brain pounced on this train of thought. What was he supposed to do now? They were business partners- costars. So much was riding on this venture of theirs and Blake had just thrown everything away.

The musician attempted to keep his breathing steady and refused to crouch down even if he needed to at this moment- Adam knew if he did he would succumb to a full-blown panic attack. He pulled his thoughts away- later, he promised himself. He made for the kitchen.

He peeked around corners on his way across the house, and couldn’t seem to stop checking behind him. Rationally he knew that Blake had left last night, but he was on high alert all the same.

After last night, Adam had just laid there feeling murderous (and powerless) until Blake had finally pulled away. Adam hadn’t been able to suppress a whimper of pain as he felt Blake pull out of him. The older man stumbled into standing upright, Adam just staring up at the man as he redid his trousers.

Blake had gazed back down at him with an expression that he hadn’t been able to discern. The country star had sighed, “…Adam” before shaking his head and going to the kitchen.

Disbelief overcame the younger man as he heard the clinking of a glass down the hall- Blake was making himself a drink. Unbelievable. Pushing through feelings of hysteria and indignation the musician had seized the moment and crawled towards his bedroom, managing to reach it before Blake returned looking for him.  Fighting his disorientation, he had locked himself in- making sure to also lock the deck door and pull the curtains closed- before weakly dragging some furniture in front of the door.  
Thoroughly exhausted, Adam leaned against the foot of his bed frame and kept his gaze on the door. It was at this moment that Adam’s brain helpfully reminded him that people were supposed to be coming over in a while. The thought that something so conventional as a party was what his evening was supposed to be about made him start to really tear up.

Adam didn’t know why, but the fact that he’d been looking forward to having fun with his friends and colleagues tonight kicked his emotions into high gear.  
A harsh sob ripped out of his chest, and Adam bit his lip in an attempt to keep it together. Glancing at the door again just to be sure, the musician decided to reach for the house phone on his bedside table.

He took the necessary steps away from the bedroom door and snatched the phone quickly so he could turn around again. His legs decided they’d had enough and so Adam sat where he was- leaning against the bedside drawers this time. He stared at the phone in his hands, contemplating what he should do.  
In a whirlwind of doubt, Adam was caught off guard by the sound of boots coming near his door. The slow, heavy footsteps were getting louder and Adam’s heart started to beat madly- he clutched the phone to his chest.

Blake paused outside the door. Adam could see his shadow on the other side. It was jarring that the country star only knocked on the door. Softly, politely even. Adam was frozen, trying not to breathe too loudly.

“Adam…” Blake’s voice traveled through to the rock star, who couldn’t help a slight hitch in his breathe as he heard it.

“Come on, I know you’re in there. I’m sorry, okay? My head’s not screwed on right today. I got out of hand, and... and- hell, I’m still a little buzzed…” The country singer trailed off, seeming to be lost in his own thoughts. Adam could hear mumbling.

Was Blake trying to make excuses? Adam thought, incredulous. You don’t rape your best friend, no matter how wasted you are! The older man was trying to turn the doorknob, finally prompting him to speak.

“If you try to come in here I’m calling the cops!” Adam warned in a shaky voice. This halted the other man’s movements, if only for a second.

“I just want to make sure you’re okay. Can I come in please? Are…are ya hurt?” The fact that Blake sounded so reasonable, so very much like his usual self cut Adam right through the heart. Did he not realize what he’d just done?

“Get out!” Adam shrieked, “Leave right now, I swear to fucking God!”

Blake got quiet on the other side of the door, and a tense stalemate lasted for a few minutes. That Blake wasn't breaking down the door or yelling made Adam feel uncertain. It was like a different person had attacked him. Finally Adam saw his shadow turn away.

“Okay. Okay. I’m leavin’ right now…I’m sorry. I’ll call you later…” Adam heard his footsteps as he left, waiting until he heard the front door slam before moving.

As he heard the faint noise of an engine revving up and driving away Adam stared back down at the phone. After a moment’s hesitation he made his decision. First thing’s first…

Adam dialed his band mate before he could change his mind. “James, it’s Adam. Yeah man, listen; can you do me a huge favor? I can’t have anything at my house tonight- I’ve got like the worst food poisoning of my life right now.”

The musician spoke on auto pilot, “If you could spread the word that tonight’s canceled you’d be saving my life…I’ve been puking for like an hour…yeah. Yeah. Thanks man, talk to you later.” Adam hung up quickly and gently tossed the phone away from him. The silence seemed deafening now.

Adam couldn’t explain why he hadn’t told his band mate what happened. Maybe because it was over now and there was nothing to be done, or maybe the thought of what it would do to Blake, he didn’t know. He drew his knees up against his chest and burrowed his head between them, shivering. He should probably put on some clothes. All he wanted right now was a shower though.

This was the moment, he knew. Either he could clean himself up and resolve to handle this on his own, or he could somehow find the will to drag himself to the nearest clinic. He knew the process; he’d watched Law and Order. The idea of going on his own was daunting.

If he decided to go after Blake later on he’d need the evidence to take him down. To go after his best friend. Adam started to get upset again, unable to think coolly about this. The evidence, he couldn’t help think to himself.

“Oh God.” Adam dry heaved; thinking of what Blake had left inside him. The man hadn’t used any protection, not anything. Full on shivering now, Adam got up and threw on some sweatpants, a long sleeve shirt and sweater, and gently bent over to pull on some sandals. He donned a cap and glasses on his way out.

With great concentration and care he was able to drive his car to the first hospital he saw, where he was directed to the triage center for the ER. The nurse at the front listened to his hushed explanation with a calm, professional demeanor and quietly informed him he’d probably have to wait about twenty to thirty minutes.

Adam was grateful that she showed no outward signs of recognition, and when he curled up in a chair in the corner of the waiting room he said a mental thank you when he noted she was keeping an eye on him. Thank God she was too, because after a while some other patients were more conspicuous in their glances towards him, and the nurse had him moved to a private examination room.

Once alone, Adam realized he wasn’t really feeling anything, none of his usual restlessness when he was made to wait on things. He simply sat on the annoyingly crinkly sanitation paper on the table while his brain made vague observations about the hospital room. What a strange day…

Finally a doctor came in- a Hispanic looking middle-aged man who explained in detail what he would be doing and what the examination would entail.

“Now, if at any time during the examination you need a moment don’t hesitate to let me know you’re uncomfortable. That being said it shouldn’t take over ten minutes, tops.” The doctor was pulling on gloves, and Adam felt his heart start to beat faster again.

Either the doctor didn’t notice Adam’s nerves or pretended not to.

“Also, once everything is collected I’m under an obligation to inform you that if you wish to press charges at this time there is a police officer on duty that can help you in filing an initial report. If you don’t press charges today, you can come back at a later date should you change your mind since there is a window of time for a report filing. The officer will explain the particulars once we’re done here.”

Adam nodded, not trusting himself to speak. He lay back and endured one of the most uncomfortable experiences of his life, probably only topped by what had happened earlier that day. As his injuries were photographed, Adam felt very much like a victim and couldn’t help but think that this was all a little extreme. All of this- was he overreacting? Should he have just stayed home and tried to recover on his own? He was a grown man; surely he could’ve handled himself. A cloud of insecurity engulfed the rock star, he was feeling so uncertain right now.

Once everything was over Adam redressed and filled out his exit paperwork, checked the ‘not pressing charges at this time’ section, and soon enough he was back at home.  
He pretty much immediately threw himself into the scalding shower and scrubbed himself clean for the better part of an hour, growing inexplicably angry when he was forced to be gentle with certain parts of his anatomy when all he wanted to do was scour every inch of his skin into oblivion.

Once he was finished Adam pulled on his most covering, thick winter lounge wear and buried himself under the mass of blankets and pillows on his bed. He was asleep within the hour.

Which brought him to now, the next morning- ten minutes in and he had finally fucking managed to put a kettle on and set the tea leaves in the strainer. He didn’t even consider eating anything at this point; he was in too much pain to contemplate it seriously.

Adam unlocked his phone and glanced at his agenda, ignoring the 6 missed calls and 4 texts from Blake. The Voice filming was scheduled from 10:00 until late tonight. He was supposed to be at the studio within a couple hours. He groaned, rubbing his hands over his face in aggravation.

The thought of going to set right now was unfathomable. Being at the clinic had really brought home how real this was, and now the idea of telling his friends, his coworkers, anyone at all about what had happened was repellent. The only thing worse than being in the same building as Blake Shelton right now would be calling and admitting to Carson what had happened.

It would spell out the end of the show, or at the very least a scandal of epic proportions. Resentment welled up in him as Adam thought of how there’d be collateral damage in all of this. Poor Miranda. Blake was the love of her life, and coming forward would put her through a world of heartbreak; even potentially hurting her career by destroying Blake’s. She didn't deserve this.

“And all of this hurt, just because of you,” the rock star couldn’t help think. “If you keep your mouth shut, it will save everyone else a world of trouble. Man up and just handle this on your own.”

Adam knew this kind of thinking wasn’t really healthy, but he was starting to feel like a caged animal. Taking down Blake would probably mean he’d be taken down too, at least for a while. Everyone would treat him differently; the press would make that the only thing worth knowing about the star and the band. He felt tired just thinking about it.

His only real concern was that Blake would come after him again, even though he was the picture of contrition when he had left the day before. He reassured himself, knowing that he could mitigate the risks, by only seeing him on set and keeping away from the man otherwise.

If he was so bold as to approach Adam again, he could always threaten him with the rape kit- just because he hadn’t filed charges with the evidence yet didn’t mean he couldn’t in the future. This calmed Adam down a bit, now he felt like he could potentially handle the day…at least he had a plan in mind.

The musician’s tea was done, and he carried a fresh mug carefully back to his room. He took a sip every once in a while as he slowly started to get ready. It took him twice as long to get dressed properly, and he was meticulous with this hair.

Despite knowing the makeup artists would get a hold of him as soon as he stepped on the lot, Adam applied concealer so not even they would be able to see more than a hint of the bruising on this exposed skin. He minimized the amount needed by wearing one of his sweater wraps that went high up on his neck. He hoped they wouldn’t fuss about his wardrobe today; there was no way he’d take off this sweater without causing people to freak out.

Adam puttered around for the rest of the morning, trying to stay calm. He studiously avoided the living room…his yoga mat was still right where it’d been left. He vaguely planned to call a maid service this afternoon during break to come do a deep clean of the place.

45 minutes until it was time to be at the studio, Adam finally was ready to go after thoroughly examining his appearance in the mirror one last time. He felt a twisted sense of pride…he’d done a good job cleaning up- no one would think he’d experienced his own personal hell a few hours before.

Steeling himself for the potential disaster of this day, Adam took a deep breath and headed out the door.


	3. Chapter 3

At the studio…

The lot was empty when Adam drove through the admissions gate. He could see extraneous crew carrying things about to the different sets as per usual, but there was no sign of Blake.

Adam hit craft services for an iced coffee before making his way to the make up department. Usher was in one of the chairs with his eyes closed, being made up already when the rock star walked through the door.

The people corralled Adam into his chair where he sat quietly. Adam was thankful that the department seemed busy today, meaning that his makeup artist would just start at his current baseline instead of wiping down his skin first before applying product. It was a few minutes before Usher even noticed Adam was there.

“Adam!” The other man exclaimed, turning in his chair as much as he was able, “Didn’t see you come in man. I’m surprised you even came in today, given what happened. That really sucks.”

Adam felt a jolt of shock, trying to sit upright before being pushed back down forcefully by his makeup artist, who made a disapproving sound. He tried not to hiss in pain- the woman had put pressure on his bruises.

“What do you mean?” Adam asked in the calmest way possible.

Usher glanced at him, unsure, “Uhh… your food poisoning? That’s why you canceled right? We moved everything to my place.” The man sat back again as he continued to talk, “Must have been one of those 24 hour things, though if you ate takeaway from somewhere you gotta let me know so I can avoid that shit. Nobody got time for that.”

Halfway through Usher’s explanation Adam was nodding fervently. “Right, right. No, it was just my dumbass trying to cook. I was making an appetizer and tasted it before it was properly cooked- had me sick all night.” The rock star was internally flooded with relief; he couldn’t believe he’d forgotten about his excuse from the day before.

His costar made a vague sound of sympathy and they both messed around on their phones for the next half hour until they were free to go to set; the only difference being Adam’s studious avoidance of the texting and twitter apps on his mobile.

They walked together to the stage, making small talk as they settled into their chairs. Adam struggled to maintain even their simple conversation, trying not to collapse in relief at the fact that they seemed to be the first ones there; both Shakira and Blake were missing, and the studio audience was still filing in slowly.

Adam congratulated himself mentally; this wasn’t so bad. This was almost normal. The fact that Blake wasn’t yet even in the same room as him was something he didn’t dwell on; he was just proud because he was here, he wasn’t going to cower away despite knowing his attacker was in the same fucking building as him. He could do this. He had this in the bag.

He was at the peak of this mental pep talk when Shakira and Carson walked through the stage entrance, both with very grim expressions. Adam’s heart started to pound as he saw them exchange words in a hushed, urgent manner. Adam tried to be inconspicuous as he gripped the sides of his chair for dear life. They made a path for Adam’s chair, Carson gesturing for Usher to come over, who did with a confused look. The three huddled around the rock star.

“Hey guys,” Carson started as the others leaned in more to hear him better, “Listen, we need to be really mindful of Blake today…” Usher tilted his head in concern, and Shakira folded her arms against her chest, obviously uncomfortable. Adam didn’t react.

“Turns out after filming finished yesterday he got a call from Miranda- she asked for a divorce last night.” Carson was shaking his head, looking troubled and sad. “He’s coming in a little late today, apparently he got really wrecked last night, much more than his usual. You guys, I know we all joke about it but we need to make sure he doesn’t go off the deep end. Let’s keep the focus off of him today during filming and try to keep him moderately sober these next few days.”

Adam’s costars were all nodding, sympathetic expressions on their faces. The rock star found himself unable to do the same. Was this why Blake had attacked him? He had gotten the phone call and got so blindly wasted that he’d come over and done the unthinkable? He looked down at his lap, trying to process.

Adam’s brain was full on revolting at the idea of feeling any kind of sympathy for the country star, but this new insight filtered into Adam’s understanding of the previous day’s events against his will. He felt himself detach emotionally at that point, the internal conflict too painful, and barely was able to hang on to the rest of the conversation. Eventually they all scattered and tried to get into the groove of the day’s programming.

Adam sat back in his chair, on autopilot when Blake entered the stage area. He didn’t indicate that he noticed the other man’s entrance; and he carefully telegraphed his movements to show he wasn’t interested in any kind of exchange. Since he was completely avoiding eye contact it was hard for him to even see how much of this was getting across, but he was relieved when he was able to see Blake settle into his own chair on the opposite end of the stage.

Things got a tad easier from there; filming went on for hours with only short breaks few and far in between. Thankfully the country star wasn’t doing any of his usual baiting and neither was Adam. The country singer did seem more downtrodden, and definitely looked rougher than usual. The rock star caught the confused looks sent to the both of them by Carson, Shakira and Usher. Adam ended up spending much of his focus on trying to still be entertaining without the repartee the network and audience had come to expect from him and Blake. He found himself beginning to really appreciate witty contestants on a whole new level. The rest of his concentration was spent on being hyper aware of his position compared to where Blake was at any given moment.

Adam tried to objectively judge their work as the day came to a close: they’d generated decent footage, but he couldn’t deny the material wouldn’t be on the same level as their usual stuff. Thank God for the editing department.

After the last cut of the day Adam thinks it’s maybe the most draining filming session of his life. He bolts the second Carson signs off, practically diving into the hallway backstage. Adam locks his dressing room door behind him and starts his post filming routine with practiced, efficient movements.

He prays his food poisoning excuse is enough to get him off the hook for today; though he can’t even begin to think about what he’ll do for the rest of the season. He finds himself wishing he had the courage to tell someone about this. Who could he trust though, who would be there for him but not insist they go to the authorities with Adam’s problem? A lump rises in his throat as he realizes that the person he’d go to with this secret is the same person who attacked him in the first place.

He cleans the day’s makeup from his face as fast as physically possible. Keys in hand, he’s almost home free when he sees Blake leaning against the wall by the studio exit. The younger man skids to a stop.

After staring at Adam for a few tense moments the country star begins by putting his hands up, demonstrating he’s not a threat even as he takes a few careful steps forward. Adam backs up slightly.

“Stay away from me.”

“Look Adam, I’m really sorry. We need to talk about this. I tried to give you space today, but we need to have this conversation in private.”  
Adam practically hisses in anger, “I’m not going ANYWHERE with you!”

After a pause Blake raises his hands a bit higher. “Alright, fair enough. Look, I know I messed up last night. I…I just wanted to tell you that I’m so sorry. I really am. I can see now that I really hurt you, and it’s killin’ me. I know it’s no excuse but I only remember some of what happened, I’ve only ever been that drunk a couple o’ times in my life. Hell, I don’t even know how I made it home.”

“Kind of wish you hadn’t made it.” Adam says contemptuously. Blake’s face crumples, the hurt very apparent in the way his shoulders slump. The country singer looks smaller in that moment. Adam tries not to feel any emotion but the guilt is instantaneous and automatic. No matter how much he wants to, he can’t unlearn years worth of friendship in a span of hours. God, this was so fucked up.

“I don’t have anything to say to you, except that your apology is not accepted. If you come near me ever again I will make sure you pay for what you did to me; I have the means to do it. I don’t care what was going on in your life last night. Consider our friendship done.” Adam kept his voice cold with significant effort.

The rock star feels anxiety spike into his blood when he sees anger flicker in Blake’s eyes. “Damn it Adam, I’m tryin’ to make amends here. I know I did the inexcusable, but I’m askin’ you, beggin’ you to give our friendship one more chance. I’m sure you heard…a-about Miranda,” Blake’s composure seems to falter, but Adam keeps his expression cool. “I was in a really dark place last night, and I don’t wanna lose you. I need my best friend right now.”

“No. We were friends. Were.” Adam stands tall, trying his damndest to project strength. “That’s fucking over with, and-“

He hasn’t finished, but Blake’s already moving towards him fast. Adam shrinks back with a gasp. Oh god, not again, not here surely he wouldn’t-!!

In seconds the larger man has him against the wall, his hands on either side of Adam. He’s trapped. He’s trapped again. The rock star bends his head forward, his eyes squeezed shut. Why can’t he get air? God, he can’t breathe, he really can’t breathe, Blake’s going to hurt him again, his best friend, oh God oh God…

Blake doesn’t realize he’s triggered a panic attack and is still trying to make his point. “Come on Adam, don’t be like that, it’s just me! It’s just me, listen to me!“ The rock star keeps his eyes tightly shut, vaguely shaking his head no. He’s hyperventilating at this point.

“Adam, will you please just look at me!” A very frustrated Blake slams his fist against the wall right next to Adam’s head, prompting a flinch and a harsh noise of terror from the shorter man. He opens his eyes and stares up at Blake, obeying to minimize the chance of harm.

Finally Blake seems to get a sense of what is going on; Adam is staring up at him with real fear, not hearing any of the words coming out of his mouth. Blake’s hand slowly drops away from Adam, and he takes a step backwards. Jesus, what is he doing? Guilt begins to engulf him and he practically runs out the door.

Adam collapses against the wall as the door slams closed, falling to the floor with violent shakes wracking his body. He is so far beyond getting himself under control so he just wraps his arms around himself and tries to curl up and breathe, tries to stops the tears from coming to his eyes. He really can’t feel his legs, and his body won’t stop trembling. He was exhausted…had he ever been this tired in his life?

“Adam?! What is going on?!” Adam feels a hand grip his shoulder and before he can even register anything he is shouting in fright.

“Don’t touch me! God, just…please don’t touch me.“ Adam looks up and sees a panicked Carson cautiously backing away from him. Oh, great. He’s feeling ashamed as the host approaches him a second time, much more carefully. “Sorry Carson, I didn’t realize it was you.”

“Well it is me Adam. What is going on? Are you hurt?” The rock star has never seen the man look more upset. “Who did this to you? Do I need to call security?”

Adam violently shakes his head, sitting up with some effort and pulling his legs to his chest. “No, man. No, I’m fine I swear-“

“Bullshit. There are bruises all over your neck!” Adam winces, chagrined; he’d forgotten to reapply concealer after washing up. “Tell me what the hell is going on, you’ve been acting like a zombie all day. If you’re in some kind of trouble you have to tell me, I’m your friend and I can help.”

Adam shoves off the wall to pull himself upright, avoiding Carson’s gaze all the while. “I can’t, okay? I-I just can’t. I’m tired. I’ll see you tomorrow, I have to go.”  
“Adam, wait!” the rock star hears his pleading but he’s already slamming the studio door shut. He listens to his costar yelling after him but he’s jumping into his car as fast as he is able. He just can’t talk to Carson right now.

Adam pulls out of the lot and into LA traffic, overwhelmed by dread; he’s really lost control of this situation. By the time he gets back to his home he’s calmer. He shuts the front door and starts trying to think strategy. Adam shucks clothing as he makes his way to his bed. All he wants to do is bury himself in blankets and never come out again. Sitting in the dark for a while allows him to develop a more careful approach than today's shit show. He’ll call Blake tonight to tell him to back off, tell him if he stays away then they won’t have a problem with one another. Phone calls are safe, much safer than waiting until they’re both on set again to talk.

Adam’s pulled out of his thoughts as he realizes his phone has been buzzing for at least a couple of minutes.

“Yeah?” Adam answers abruptly.

“Adam, it’s Usher. Man, this may be out of line but I felt I had to say something. I know we’re not all that close but I could tell something was up today, and not just because both you and Blake were in a funk. I just wanted to let you know that if you need to talk about anything you can call me up anytime. Really.”

Damn, Adam can’t help but think. Obviously Carson was already talking about this afternoon with the other judges. He could only pray that he hadn’t voiced his concerns to Blake as well- maybe he’d be smart enough to think that Blake’s dealing with his own shit and can’t handle Adam’s mess as well. God, he hoped so.

“Thanks dude, I really appreciate it. I promise though, I was just feeling a little sick is all. I’ll get over it in a few days.”

A slight pause on the other end of the line worries Adam. “…Alright. Though someone should probably tell you if no one has already, you need to check TMZ. Apparently they took a few shots of you today. I guess they doctored the photos for a story? Looks pretty bad. If they didn’t Photoshop them though… just say the word Adam and I’ve got your back.”

The musician's heart starts pounding, “Oh. Okay, yeah I’ll check it out. Thanks man. See ya.” Adam hangs up robotically. Shit. Shit. He hurries over to his laptop and pulls up the site…

‘THE VOICE COACH GETS VIOLENT! Adam Levine spotted with shocking bruises!’

Under the tag are pictures of the rock star hurriedly jogging towards his car, looking back over his shoulder anxiously. The bruises on his neck and jaw are very visible; particularly the hand shaped one over his jugular.

“Fuck.”


	4. Chapter 4

Blake was in full stage self-destruct mode. 

How had things fallen apart so quickly? His marriage was in shambles and his best friend was gone in the course of 24 hours. Blake took another swig of Woodford Reserve, cringing as it burned its way down his throat. He was already a third of the way through the bottle- he’d only picked it up a few days earlier.

He had meant to take it with him to Adam’s party, but when Miranda called everything had gone out the window. He had never in his life felt that kind of emotional vacuum. He had thought his heart was going to stop when she’d broken the news, over the phone no less!

He had taken to cracking open every bottle of whatever they’d had in the house to cope. He had tried so goddamn hard to do everything right, to do right by her. Apparently his best wasn’t good enough. It was hard to remember much after that, but he did recall driving over to Adam’s house, Adam’s face in his hands, Adam crying out in pain, Adam fighting to breathe, Adam Adam Adam….

What in God’s name had he been thinking? He knew that he’d been harboring feelings for his best friend, had known it and accepted it as something that wasn’t meant to be.

Blake couldn’t explain the instant fascination he had developed concerning the other man, there was just something about him. Adam’s effortless, teasing attractiveness had only ever been the start of it.

The way he was fiery, funny and whip smart with his attitude had caught Blake’s attention from day one, and since then his admiration had grown to affection and had eventually become a genuine love that sometimes hovered over the boundary of friendship. 

Blake had learned to deal with it, as was the way where he came from.

Still, as they had grown closer Blake found himself unable to take his eyes off the rock star, his narrow hips, that lithe physique…it was all very new and admittedly wonderful to the country singer. He hadn’t shied away from it one bit, something that had seemed to delight Adam at first.

Blake had found that the rock star was very tactile, extremely physical in his affection towards friends. He took pleasure in throwing all he could at Blake, to see how much he could handle in the beginning before exhibiting some kind of discomfort. That Blake hadn’t backed down had put Adam at ease with the other man despite their differences, and over time they became best friends.

That Blake had to endure the occasional suffocating feeling of wanting to just grab Adam and kiss him how he ought to be kissed was completely worth it to him; those feelings were manageable if it helped their friendship survive. Plus, Blake had had Miranda by his side. It was hard, with the both of them being separated by work the majority of the time, but when she was in LA it was grounding for the country star. It reminded him of where he stood in life and what he should aspire to be.

Then when she had called him he had been cast off- floating without an anchor. His inebriated brain had decided to go after the next best thing, the person he hadn’t been allowed to want.

Blake took another gulp from the bottle as he thought of just what he had taken. He took Adam's trust in him, his trust in their friendship, and had just smashed it into a million little pieces. Christ, why was he so destructive?! He couldn’t see a way to fix this. Blake was about the hit the half way mark on his drink when his cell phone rang.

“Yup.” Blake answered without looking, absent-mindedly examining the bottle in the light of the sunset coming through his living room patio door.

“It’s me.” Adam’s voice was whisper soft through the mobile’s speaker. Blake put down the bottle immediately, sitting up on the sofa in the hope that it would help him focus more during this conversation.

“Adam…” Blake murmured, his voice unconsciously mirroring Adam’s volume, “My God, you actually called.”

“I…I just wanted to ask you a few things, and tell you-“ He heaved a sigh, effectively a gust of static through the phone, “Look, I just need to know. How much do you actually remember? From last night?”

Blake felt hot shame prickle down his neck. He had been hoping for a chance to apologize for today, say how much he regretted that his attempt to fix things had made everything infinitely worse. But, if this is what Adam wanted he’d gladly give it to him to keep him on the phone.

“I remember bits of it. I remember needing someone, so I came to your place. I remember holding you down. …And…and you crying. I remember choking you. Jesus, I’m so sorr-“

“Do you remember anything that you said?” Adam cut him off.

Blake shook his head before realizing he couldn’t see that. “No. Not much else.”

Adam was silent for probably one of the longest moments of Blake’s life, but then he finally spoke again, “You said it’d been a long time coming. I have to know Blake, have you had feelings for me all this time? Or was this the most twisted rebound in history thanks to Miranda’s phone call?”

Blake wished he could hug the rock star at this moment, though it’d probably have the opposite effect of calming him down, which is what Blake wanted so badly. He’d never heard his friend sound so messed up, so fragile. “I’ve had feelings towards you probably from the moment we first met Adam…you’ve always been able to captivate my attention. It wasn’t as strong at first, but I grew to really appreciate our friendship and there’ve been moments where I’ve felt real love for you.”

Though it was one of the most uncomfortable conversations of Blake’s life, he pushed on. “Sometimes it would overwhelm me, how magnetic you were and I’d want to just-“

The country star took a breath. “Anyway, my head was always clear enough to put our friendship before those feelings, and Miranda always had a way of pulling me back to my path, though I don’t know if she knew that’s what she was doing at the time. My point is, without Miranda there, I suppose my brain went to the very next person who I loved in this world…which is you.”

Blake heard soft breathing on the other side of the phone, but not much else. He gave it one last go, “I know I’m a hot mess all the time, but I just want to say I’m so sorry and I’d rather kill myself than let anything like that ever happen to you again. It will NEVER happen again. I was having one of the most messed up days of my life and you happened to be caught in the crossfire. Whatever you want me to do, I’ll do it.”

Adam jumped in the moment Blake stopped talking. “There are only a couple of things I know for sure. I’m not interested in people knowing about this, and I want you to keep your fucking mouth shut, no matter what you see or hear thanks to the damage you dealt me. There’s already shit flying around thanks to the additional hell you put me through today.” Blake cringed as Adam blurted out his worries, feeling horror and self-loathing as he remembered the bruising he saw on Adam today during the fiasco on set.

“Other than that…I don’t know what I want Blake.” Adam sounded hesitant. “I know what’s supposed to happen at this point. I know I’m supposed to hate you, I’m supposed to turn you in. At first I really was going to burn you for this. But, I can’t seem to stop caring about you, even after what you did to me.”

A small ray of hope blossomed in Blake’s chest. Would he really be so lucky?

Adam persisted, “I’m still scared, but I think...” he paused. “I think if you give me space, and let me do this on my own terms, we might be able to be friends again, or at least not enemies. Because it wouldn’t just be you losing your best friend. It’d be me too. And like you said, I really need my best friend right now. I can’t help but care for you.”

Blake felt enormous relief. “Absolutely, I will stay away unless you want me. You’ll be the only one controlling the situation. Adam, thank-“

Adam interrupted, his voice getting loud for the first time since Blake picked up the phone, “Don’t thank me. Do not. That’s not what this is, that’s not what I want. I want us to be like before. We’ll figure this out. “

“Okay.”

“Bye, Blake.” Adam hung up before he could say anything else, but Blake was so thankful he didn’t care in the slightest. He could hardly believe he’d gotten a second chance. 

He promised himself right then that he’d do everything in his power to earn it, and earn Adam’s trust back again.


	5. Chapter 5

Filming was in full swing the next day. The teams were separated out into mentoring sessions so the coaches weren’t seeing each other until the end of the week. This was perfect because it let Blake give Adam all the space he needed and it let the rumor mill run its course without any additional material feeding the media frenzy; and damn what a frenzy it was.

Adam’s pictures coupled with the news of Blake’s split from Miranda made for one hell of a week for the cast of The Voice. People were talking all over Hollywood but Adam was insulated from it thanks to his mentees. He took the week to really focus on music and ground himself by giving his all to his team.

His protégées benefitted immensely from his undivided attention and were extra loyal and conscientious towards their mentor in return. Even though Adam knew this was probably an attempt by them to give him a much needed boost he appreciated it all the same and as a result Team Adam was closer than ever.

What was giving Adam the most anxiety was the knowledge that Carson had seen his little breakdown, and on his breaks where he didn’t have as much to do Adam could see him off to the side, carefully studying him as he interacted with the band, the crew and the contestants.

The producers had made a tactical decision to not allow any talk about Adam’s or Blake’s news stories be featured on the show since no one really knew what had happened, and it was personal in nature. In fact, Carson had come up to Adam and quietly told him that the executives were asking if what had happened needed to be handled by the legal department.

This was the point when Adam realized Carson thought his little episode in the hallway had been when and where he’d gotten the bruises. Carson thought someone had beaten up a coach on studio property, which explained the higher ups worries about legal issues. Adam had waved him off, claiming it was a harmless accident and a personal issue, not a work related one in any way. He felt more like a liar with every day that passed since no one had the real story except for him.

Though he was trying to feel optimistic about the fact that Blake was staying hands off, Adam felt depressed because he hadn’t been alone like this on the show for a long time. He was used to the family atmosphere of work, and now everyone was walking on eggshells. The camaraderie had definitely been shaken and Adam’s new feelings of isolation were quickly becoming suffocating.

This heaviness followed him home to his house, which now felt like a cage. He couldn’t stand the quiet of home now and had resorted to calling over the band. He’d been having the guys over to his house every evening to try and fight the silent helplessness he couldn’t stop feeling. It’d been working somewhat since the guys knew best how to break him from a funk.

When the pack of them had first showed up on his doorstep on Monday he’d almost broken into tears of relief. He couldn’t believe how much he’d missed them all, and he was feeling so thankful because without saying a word about anything they’d all pushed into his house and started giving him shit about the usual stuff like nothing was wrong.

They spent every night that week with the TV on, drinking and laughing and keeping things light. They’d even had a few jam sessions with the instruments Adam had laying around his house. It felt so good, so right to be playing together again and Adam was able to feel like his old self.

The only heavy moment happened Thursday night, when James had finally pulled him aside as the others had been setting up for another session. “You can always talk to us if you need to Adam. I don’t know what’s going on but we sure as shit don’t want to leave you without backup, even if we’re all on break from band stuff and touring right now.”

Adam had nodded, looking down as his friend spoke. “Thanks, man. It’s fine though, I’ve got it handled.”

James had backed off and said he understood, but his eyes had traveled over the sleeves of Adam’s sweater wrap as he did so; making it clear he knew what was underneath.

Once everyone left that night, Adam looked around his home in silence. Being alone had him feeling so empty and yet so burdened. He was starting to feel as though he’d made the wrong choice keeping this a secret and giving Blake another chance, but anytime he seriously contemplated it he couldn’t handle the thought of being honest with everyone or putting Blake through the wringer. All this back and forth was making him sick; why couldn’t he just make up his mind and stick to it!

The honesty ship had sailed, Adam reminded himself, and now he was as wrapped up in lies as Blake was. It was too late to change course now. Wanting to stop his racing thoughts and the constant indecision he was plagued with these days, the rock star took to the sunroom, where the piano was. After only moments of meditative thought, words were flowing into his brain and onto paper. Pretty soon he had an extremely rough draft of a new song scribbled down.

Darlin’ is this real?  
 Please tell me that you’re jokin’  
 Why would you go n’ do this  
 It’s almost like you’re gloatin’  
It sure was a surprise   
Couldn’t believe that you’d lie   
All those years spent together   
And now we have to weather  
This break from our bond   
This torn link beyond   
What I thought we could handle   
It’s become such a scandal   
But baby I need you   
I know we can make it through   
Can’t do this without you so   
I Guess I’ll have to trust you  
Though I’m hurt n’ I’m scared   
I’m feeling more than prepared   
To reach out for you again  
 Just like a drug in my vein  
I love you more than you know   
And I just can’t let you go  
 It’s not right, and it sure ain’t fair  
 But I don’t really care  
This break from our bond  
 This torn link beyond   
What I thought we could handle   
It’s become such a scandal  
 But baby I need you   
I know we can make it through  
 Can’t do this without you so  
 I Guess I’ll have to trust you  
Our love ain’t safe or kind   
But it’s all I have in mind  
 Puttin’ it all on the line   
All for you, friend of mine  
I’m not the man I thought I’d be   
Why do you feel like home to me   
Seems I won’t ever be free   
But God knows that’s fine by me  
This break from our bond   
This torn link beyond   
What I thought we could handle   
It’s become such a scandal  
 But baby I need you  
 I know we can make it through  
 Can’t do this without you so  
 I Guess I’ll have to trust you  
Can’t do this without you  
Guess I’ll have to trust you

Apparently his brain had a sick sense of humor, because after tinkering with a melody for half an hour he couldn’t stop thinking of the whole thing as a country song. No matter what he tried Adam could only hear Blake’s voice singing these words in his head. He flung the paper across the room and slammed the piano’s cover shut before stomping off to his bedroom for the night.

Finally it was Friday, and that meant all the coaches were coming together for the next round of performances.

The stage was abuzz with people and Adam, Shakira and Usher were all settling in for the show as Carson was pumping up the crowd.

Adam sat in his chair and was getting his audio set up when Blake came in. As the man walked over, Adam took the chance to observe him. He tried to gage his emotions upon seeing Blake up close and in person after their few days apart. No panic, no fear so far. Some optimism wormed it’s way into Adam’s chest…maybe he was going to feel fine. Maybe he would be able to get his friend back after all.

Before he knew it, contestants were performing for the screaming crowd and he was lost in the excitement of the show. True pride and happiness filled him up when his team members got up and did their thing, and Adam was able to deliver praise and guided feedback with all of his old focus.

Things were really going well until his last singer finished.

“Wow Adam! Nice song choice there,” Carson quipped. Adam gave a cocky grin, playing along. He knew what Carson was getting at. He’d chosen an old school country track for his last vocalist.

“Any hidden messages in there for your old buddy Blake with that music selection?” The crowd laughed it up, appreciating Carson’s willingness to bring back the Blake/Adam thing after it being missing from last week’s showdown.

“Yeah, sure,” Adam replied, trying to show he was game for the return to normalcy. “Just wanted to remind that dork over there that no genre is safe when it comes to Team Adam; we’ll take over his territory because my singers are diverse like that.”

The audience screamed their approval, making Blake’s booming laugh slightly harder to hear. The rock star heard it however, and bizarrely it tugged at his heartstrings to hear it. God, he felt as though he hadn’t heard that laugh in years.

“Now come on Adam, us good ol’ boys will defend our right to country songs. You better be careful now and make sure they’re bringin’ their best.” Blake glanced over from his end to Adam’s with a crooked smile, and Adam did his best to return it.

…give me your best…The words slammed into Adam like a brick to the head.

He was keenly aware of everyone watching, but now that Blake’s eyes were directly on him he couldn’t help feeling tense. That gaze shocked a dose of reality into the younger man and all of a sudden it was a struggle to keep his easygoing expression plastered on his face.

He was joking with his attacker. On TV. In front of thousands of strangers, and his friends, and his costars. His attacker, his best friend… this triggered a slew of other feelings and within seconds Adam was back to feeling like he might have a breakdown right then and there.

It must have been visible because the audience’s clapping and cheering was more subdued now, their uncertainty about what was going on on stage very apparent. Carson did his best to reassure them and soon things were back on track with the help of more commentary from Shakira and final cut was called.

The second the cameras were off Blake started to make his way over to Adam’s end and before he knew what he was doing Adam was scrambling up his chair with his back pressed against the leather upholstery. The man was still approaching, acting casual and Adam attempted to keep it together.

Usher and Shakira were sitting right fucking there; he had to calm down or else they’d figure it out. He closed his eyes, partially to concentrate and partially to not have to look at Blake coming towards him. His pleading to his own brain came to a halt when he felt a large, warm hand clap down onto the back of his neck.

“Well, that wa-“ Blake’s drawl was interrupted by the gasped yelp that was wrangled from Adam’s throat. He didn’t seem to even realize it had come out, but it had certainly caught the other judges and Carson’s attention. All three whipped around to look at the rock star.

“A-ah…Please let go Blake.” Adam sounded very unlike himself, which gave pretty much everyone still in the studio pause. Blake could’ve kicked himself for being so stupid. He’d taken acting natural too far and now Adam sounded small and vulnerable which was the opposite of everything Adam usually projected on the show.

“Oh yeah, sure thing bud…sorry, forgot ‘bout that.” Blake lifted his hand immediately with a nervous chuckle, but the damage was done. The others had seen Adam flinch away from his touch, and if the quick look between Shakira and Usher was any indication, the other coaches were swiftly putting two and two together.

Adam was still frozen in his chair, and as he was opening his eyes again Blake gave a half-wave before making his way off set. Guess things needed to cool down some more after all. Blake decided to give Adam even more space even as he felt disappointment that a week’s worth of silence and sadness hadn’t been enough to put the other man at ease once more.

A half hour later Blake was back in the stage area since he’d forgotten his mobile on that goddamn chair again when he heard his name called, ”Hey Blake!”

He turned around and saw Carson, Usher and Shakira walking towards him looking very determined. “Aw crap…” He mumbled to himself.

“We need to talk to you about Adam.” Carson started, “He’s been acting really strange and we’re really worried about him, for obvious reasons.”

“Do you know what happened to him? To make him look like that?” Shakira questioned in a concerned tone.

“I think if he wants to talk about it then he’ll talk about it.” Blake hedged, knowing Adam wanted him to keep his trap shut. “I think he made it pretty clear that he wasn’t gonna discuss it today. Listen guys, I really gotta go…”

Usher interrupted. “Hold up man. You saw how messed up he was today. He couldn’t focus, he was more serious, and whenever anyone got close to him he jumped about a mile! Don’t think we didn’t see how weird you two were acting today. “

The others nodded in agreement. “If you know something is hurting him, then as a friend you should speak up even when he won’t. It’s in his best interest, and it will also get the producers to back off about PR concerns.”

Shakira adopted a pleading tone, wide eyes peering up at the country singer, “We want to make sure nothing else is going to happen to him. He’s our friend too.”

“Alright, god damn it. I’ll just tell y’all.” Blake sighed, allowing his guilt to overwhelm his judgment. The other three became still, anxious to finally hear what had happened. Even though Adam made Blake promise not to say anything, being cornered like this had him convinced their friends wouldn’t back off unless he told them.

“The night Miranda called me I got really messed up, which you already know,” Blake ran his hand through his hair in an absent-minded gesture of nerves.

“I was already pretty far gone when I guess I decided to go see Adam. Somehow I made it over there without killin’ myself and I ended up…well, I beat him up pretty bad, okay? That’s what the bruises are from. We talked about it afterwards and Adam insists that he wants to keep it under wraps. I’m givin’ him his space right now, but he wanted us to act as natural as possible for the show. ” He felt like his throat was about to close up but he knew he had to keep going.

“I don’t remember much of it, barely any of it actually…” Blake looked down, unable to face his costars looks of incredulity and outrage. They had every right to be disgusted with him.

The shock of the others made the silence of the room seem deafening. It was a few moments before anyone spoke.

“All of that was you?” Shakira whispered aloud. She sounded as if she couldn’t wrap her head around it. Hell, Blake hardly could himself. He didn’t answer.

“Your drinking has officially crossed the line Blake. I want you off the show at the end of this season.” Carson bit out with a note of finality.

“No.” The three whipped around. Adam was walking towards the group from the stage exit. Apparently he had caught wind of their little meeting.

“Adam, he beat you up.” Usher said, looking at the rock star worriedly, “He came over to your house and beat the living shit out of you.”

Adam’s expression was neutral. “Yeah, I know, I was there when it happened. Look, Blake knows he messed up, but he was really wasted and was having the worst day of his life.”

Blake couldn’t believe Adam was standing there defending him!

Carson was apparently sharing the same thought as the country singer because he jumped in; “Well I don’t want that kind of risk in my studio. Not here! I saw what you ended up like after talking to him alone.”

Adam didn’t react; he folded his arms across his chest, looking thoroughly unimpressed.

“Do you not remember that?” Carson pushed some more, glancing at Usher and Shakira as he explained. “It was only a couple days ago. I found you in the middle of a mental breakdown in the damn hallway, you could barely breathe Adam!”

“I told you then and I’ll tell you again now, I’m not interested in talking about my personal issues with you. What’s between Blake and I is our business and if I say that it’s fine then it’s fine.” He emphasized his statement by walking through the three up to Blake.

The country star froze as the smaller man looped his arm around his own. The others had much the same reaction, with Shakira letting out a little sound of alarm. 

“See?” Adam said confidently, “All Fine. I trust Blake and I don’t need my friends fighting my battles for me, though I appreciate the thought behind it.” With this his expression softened a bit. “I mean it guys, thanks for looking out for me. I promise you though, everything is okay.”

Carson, Shakira and Usher looked between the two for a moment before the tension drained out of them somewhat.

“…Alright man. Whatever you say.” Usher nodded slowly, looking over at Shakira uncertainly.

The Columbian still had a rather fierce look on her face, “Blake, if you hurt him again you’ll be sorry- don’t ever act like such a tonto del culo again!”

The country star nodded with wide eyes, not really sure what exactly was said but understanding the general idea.

The others still looked uneasy but in the face of Adam’s certainty there wasn’t much they could say, it being his life and all. With their little intervention being a total bust, the three left the arena and headed out. Once they were out of sight Adam dropped Blake’s arm like it was on fire. He didn’t try to say anything as Adam left almost as quickly as the others.

Later Blake was brooding on his living room couch. He nursed a beer as he watched yet another news feature displaying Adam’s bruise photos and the most recent theory about what could’ve caused them.

He hoped to God something else would happen soon, because the scrutiny was starting to kill him even if it was doing wonders for their ratings. He flipped through the channels for a while without actually seeing what was on.

The sound of his doorbell caused Blake mild confusion, which turned to shock when he opened the door and saw Adam on his doorstep. The younger man looked nervous as all hell but when he spoke up his voice was strong and steady.

“Let me in Big Country,” Adam looked up into his best friends blue eyes, “We need to talk about today.”

Blake stepped aside, noting with a small grain of happiness that Adam had called him one of his affectionate nicknames from before this whole ordeal had even started. “You sure you’re okay bein’ here with me? I thought you wanted some distance.”

Adam walked into the living room and hovered around the coffee table. Blake followed, making sure to put a few steps between them. “Yeah I’m sure. Plus, you know, I’ve got my tazer. I’m not afraid to start shocking if you try any funny business.”

Adam’s joke fell flat since Blake had no clue as to whether he should laugh or not; it wasn’t very funny to him anyhow. “Too soon?”

Blake’s only response was a weary look.

“About today,” Adam pushed onwards, a look of focus on his face. “I thought we’d agreed on keeping this between us. It concerns me that you couldn’t seem to respect my wishes, even for one week.”

“I know Adam, but from my understanding of it that agreement was negated by our inability to keep it lookin’ natural between us on set today. Everybody and their mom can see something is seriously wrong between us.”

He hesitated for a moment before deciding his opinion ought to be heard, “Now I’m not blamin’ you in the slightest, but to people who know us, your flinchin’ and freezin’ during filming coupled with the train wreck that is your complexion right now was practically a sign screaming what really happened.”

Blake was surprised when his thought out, logical explanation of his actions was met with an expression of anger from the younger man. “Jesus, Blake. There was a reason I told you to keep your mouth shut. I already knew about the photos and the press, how could you think I didn’t? I don’t care if they’d ambushed you with firearms, I told you to keep it to yourself. They could’ve speculated all they wanted, but you giving them the truth gave it validation. Talking about it, even just pieces of it, could make everything infinitely worse.”

“What are you talking about Adam? I had to be honest. They would’ve figured out I’d beat you up anyway, what with those freakin’ photos on the news. They’re not stupid. I can handle them thinkin’ I’m losing it. I can even handle losing my contract with the network. I can’t handle them imagining what exactly I could have done to you when I’m willing to man up and tell them myself.” Blake was confused about why Adam was so very upset about this.

“You don’t GET IT Blake! If they think you did this to me then it could escalate to a whole different level.” The man halted a moment, steeling himself, “There’s a…report at the hospital. A rape kit. If anyone at the hospital decided to leak that evidence then you could be ruined, or worse, you could go to jail. Admitting to anyone you had a part in this connects you to that file.”

Blake felt like his heart had stopped beating. He was only able to form words after a second of processing. “Adam. What are you talking about?”

Adam looked up at him with confusion, searching his face for a moment before shock and understanding overtook his features. “Oh God, I thought you’d realized…you really don’t remember do you?”

“Remember what Adam?” Now Blake was really worried.

“You attacked me that night Blake. You …raped me.” He broke eye contact as Blake staggered backwards, his gaze empty of any emotion. 

Oh God, he was going to puke.

“You held me down and you forced yourself on me. It kind of hurts that you didn’t remember, but at the same time…it was almost like you were a whole different person, like it wasn’t you doing it.” The rock star looked down as he fidgeted with the hem of his shirt. He sounded miserable.

“I-I fought pretty hard. Or at least I tried to.” Adam swallowed, betraying his first sign of distress. “Hence the marks…” The rock star held out his arms before reaching up and pulling down the collar of his t-shirt. Blake stared in horror as he looked at the now fading hand shaped bruises on his friend’s neck and shoulders. They had started to turn a sickly green/yellow color.

The marks he was looking at took on a new, disturbing significance right before his eyes. Blake recoiled, feeling sick. He didn’t even remember it. How could he not remember that? “How are you even in the same room as me right now?!”

Blake’s voice was rough with tears and he didn’t seem to realize he was yelling. “How could you even think of forgiving me for this? I-I need to go to the cops, I need to turn my self in!”

Adam was alarmed now, shaking his head anxiously. “No! No Blake, you promised. That isn’t what I want; I want this to just be between us. Doesn’t what I want matter?” He tried to move toward the taller man as he pleaded with him but the country singer was unapproachable. Blake’s hands were pulling at his hair as he paced around the living room; he was the image of agony.

Adam tried to advance again, prompting the country star to back away. He put his head in his hands as he sat down on the floor hard.

“Do you really think so little of yourself that’d you’d forgive me for this, accept being around me again? This isn’t okay! None of this is right! You should be-“

“Don’t you think I know that Blake?” Adam snapped, interrupting the other man. Blake went silent as he looked up at the younger man. “I KNOW all of this. I said this to you earlier! I know that this makes me just as fucked up as you are, but I need you in my life. I’m not fucking doing this on my own while you get to wallow in your angst by yourself somewhere. I can’t report you because of what that would do to you, and Miranda, and our friends.”

Adam was gesturing wildly now, his expression furious and alive. “Where would that leave me, hmm? I would lose so much for so little in return. I’m doing this my way Blake, and you’re gonna do everything in your fuckin’ power to help make this okay, because I’m not losing my best friend just because HE fucked up.”

Blake was shaking his head sadly. “I never realized how much you cared. Hell, and I wasted it.” He stared at Adam as if seeing him for the first time. How was it possible that Adam had chosen him after all he’d done?

Blake knew he shouldn’t let Adam do this to himself; the rock star was obviously in a bad spot mentally, there was no way he’d be making this decision if he were thinking rationally.

His friend deserved so much more than this relationship even if it seemed to be what Adam wanted. “…I can’t believe this is what you want, but I’ll do everything I can to make sure you never regret it.”

The voice in Blake’s head was whispering that he was being a selfish son of a bitch, that he was getting what he wanted, and he couldn’t really argue. “Jesus, we really are a couple of fucked up codependent idiots aren’t we?”

Adam didn’t reply, but he sat down next to him and stared out the window at the California seaside. The two didn’t speak again in that moment, lost in thoughts of each other as they watched the sunset over the water together.


	6. Chapter 6

“…P-please! Don’t d-do this Blake!” Adam was screaming up at him through a mess of tears, but Blake wasn’t listening. He had his hand wrapped around Adam’s throat, relishing the struggling of the rock star. Lust was boiling in his veins at the sight of his friend. Even when he was crying Adam looked delectable and Blake just wanted to take him apart. A faint thought was nagging his brain that there was something terribly wrong here…that this wasn’t okay, but Blake brushed it off. 

The country singer ran a hand down his torso; feeling the lithe, lean muscles of his friend’s chest before reaching down and prodding at Adam’s entrance. He felt like he was losing his mind over this hunger, and he couldn’t help exploring the younger man’s body even as he fought against him. Adam’s shoving against him felt like nothing. 

Blake was captivated by Adam’s image as he pressed his fingers into him. He worked his fingers in farther, pressing upwards roughly. Adam’s face was pressed against the floor and he had just let out a keening wail, one that spiked longing through Blake’s inebriated brain. The tears dripping from the man’s eyelashes made him truly beautiful and Blake just couldn’t get enough. Through the fog that was clouding his own movements he wrenched Adam’s head forward by the hair and stole another kiss.

He explored his mouth with his tongue and after a moment of savoring the taste of him he pulled away and finally-

Blake woke up with a shout. He felt cold sweat on his brow and leaned over to put his head between his knees, just breathing deeply for a minute so his pounding heart would calm. He had passed out on the couch again. 

Blake glanced at the clock on the wall, rubbing a hand tiredly over his face. It was five in the morning. The confrontation between he and Adam had happened three days ago and since then he’d been having these…nightmares. Memories. 

Whatever they were, they had been plaguing his waking hours as well, and to chase it all away he’d taken to drinking more than he had in years. This was evident by the amount of glasses and bottles that were strewn across his home. He looked at them forlornly and felt the self-loathing begin to strangle him as he gazed at the mess he’d created of his place. 

Filming was on a break for the weekend, and after their talk Adam had insisted they take time apart- unless they had work for The Voice they shouldn’t be seeing one another. For Adam, it was so he could try and get himself together and get to a point where he was feeling strong again. Blake was simply trying to process the fact that he had raped Adam. He was not successful so far. 

The revelation had really cut into his psyche. Sure, he had experienced blackouts before, where he had done stupid things and said even worse things. Hell, he had even started (or finished) a couple bar fights and hadn’t remembered any of it- but he had never in his life attacked someone like he had attacked Adam. Every time he thought of it, his hatred for himself and his decisions that night threatened to overwhelm him. 

Blake stood unsteadily, the usual dizziness of a hangover very much present, and made his way to his bedroom. Maybe a shower would take his mind off of this; he was feeling decidedly unclean. 

As he stood under the water and let it beat down on the back of his neck, he almost couldn’t help wishing that Adam had never told him. He knew that was selfish and sick, but knowing what he’d done had caused that nights memories to come back to him in the worst ways. 

When Blake was doing something completely innocuous, all of a sudden part of the memory of that night would come into his head. The flashes during the day were jarring and left him feeling like a monster as he was forced to relive them. The dreams at night were like a punishment in their own right. There had been one where he’d relived the entire incident and woke up with a raging hard on. When he realized what exactly his body had reacted to and what that meant he’d leaned over the side of his bed and almost thrown up right then. 

This wasn’t helping him at all. Blake dragged himself out of the shower and shrugged on clothing. It was Monday. There was filming today. Despite the flashbacks making his life hell, he forced himself to remember that Adam wanted this. Adam needed him in this and he wasn’t allowed to check out. The fact that he said he needed him and simultaneously didn’t want to hear from him was making this an exercise in suffering for Blake, one where he was feeling very alone. 

He needed to man up about this though- if it was what Adam wanted then he would try to give it to him. Blake fought his stupor by assembling his morning coffee at a glacial pace. “Fuck it,” He mumbled as he snagged an open bottle from the counter and tipped a little booze into the morning drink. It’d take the edge off probably. 

Across town Adam was lying awake under a pile of blankets, staring at his ceiling fan. Sleeping had become impossible but he was determined to keep trying. These past few nights he had taken to lying in his bed to try and get at least a couple hours of rest. Only when his thoughts became deafening did he allow himself to give up and pursue other activities in the absence of sleep. 

He’d played with apps on his phone, worked on more lyrics, rehearsed the band’s old songs and he’d even taken to singing that stupid song he’d written in the hopes of making it sound like his own. Anything to drown out the anxiety that bubbled up when he was still for more than a moment. Adam climbed out from under the covers and curled up on top of them. 

He pulled up Twitter and scrolled his timeline- nothing from Blake this morning. That was like the fifth day in a row; usually the man would post at least something every couple of days, though it was admittedly very early. Goose bumps traveled down his arms and he shivered, prompting Adam to get up and put on clothes for the beginning of filming that day. 

As he pulled on a sweatshirt over a singlet he wondered vaguely if he was sick. Adam hadn’t stopped feeling cold since the previous week no matter how much tea or coffee he drank. It could be that he’d had trouble keeping any food down on the rare occasion that he did try to eat something. He had eaten a few small things when prompted by friends but since he had spent this weekend on his own he’d consumed barely anything. He tried not to think about it.

The musician had spent a few hours each day lying out by the pool. Every morning Adam had examined his body to check on the progress of his bruises healing. Like the press mania over them they had mostly faded away but his skin had taken on a slightly paler, sickly tone so he had opted to get more sun in an attempt to hide the changes in his complexion. His face had lost a bit of its fullness thanks to the shift in his diet and his jaw line had become sharper as a result. He noted ruefully that it was probably a good thing in his profession. He’d always been better with a leaner, tanner look. 

Since the other cast members had found out about what had happened to Adam (or at least a portion of it) they had been really attentive to him. As the weeks had gone on Adam continued to struggle with remembering to take care of himself. Weight had been coming off of him rather quickly, something he noticed when his once skintight jeans became a little loose and his smaller shirts started to get baggier around the chest and arms. 

While Carson and Usher had been initially observant, they had respected his space after a time and nonverbally agreed to let it be. Shakira was the one who had really become watchful. She had taken to inviting him out for drinks and food; always making sure to bring snacks with her to set that Adam ‘just had to try, they were so delicious’. He didn’t put up a fight and would always take a little something to munch on, but he declined as many invitations as he could while still being nice about it. 

In a complete one eighty from the first few days after the incident, Adam had really withdrawn. He didn’t feel like having any people around, and found entertaining at his home exhausting and stressful. His new routine consisted of work, coming home and spending most of his time alone in his room. He knew he was giving his band mates whiplash with his mood swings but still begged off every time any of them wanted to get together now. Though he fought racing thoughts and insomnia on a daily basis now he found that being by himself was when he experienced the least anxiety. 

All this time alone had given him plenty of room to contemplate how much his usual habits had changed. He used to be unable to tolerate isolation since his outgoing, intense personality demanded an audience. Now the attention just stressed him out. Adam resented the fact that even though he could see these changes in his life he had no power over them. He had lost control over his life. 

He spends the morning messing about- trying to fill his time while avoiding the living room and the kitchen. When he does make it down to the studios Adam is rushed through prep and practically pushed onto set. Turns out he was the last one to arrive and they were anxious to start the days schedule. Adam is greeted by the usual catcalls and cheers when he walks onto stage; he responds with over exaggerated smiling and waving, which gets a few laughs. 

Usher and Shakira greet him warmly, asking about his weekend and chatting amiably. He shoots a look over their heads quickly at Blake, who is busy messing with his phone. Seems he’d taken Adam’s request to heart this time; it was like he hadn’t noticed him come in at all. 

As filming begins he can’t help but cringe because the other coaches have started to do the same to Blake in that they act as though they don’t see him. They ignore him in between performances and speak to him minimally during the show. How they manage to do this politely he has no idea but he wishes they wouldn’t. Despite everything, Adam didn’t want some misplaced loyalties in his favor hurting Blake because it would be out of pity. He couldn’t stand pity. 

The country star takes it stoically. He doesn’t indicate in any way that he senses the distance, but he feels it. Adam knows he does. Blake’s favorite part of doing the show was the fun they all had, and now that was apparently over with. Adam doesn’t do anything to stop them, but he does shoot a sad look in Blake’s direction. 

He finds himself wanting to go over to the other man from time to time, which leaves him feeling conflicted and scared. He chickens out every time the urge hits him to push past his fear. It is clear that Carson had made some executive decisions regarding production because now the objective seemed to be to focus solely on competition content and not nearly as much on coach input. 

He is silently and endlessly filled with gratitude towards Carson because he knows that the other producers are probably freaking out and the fact that they haven’t approached him means the others have been shielding him from all that studio nonsense. 

Shakira and Usher were pulling more than their fair share of the weight when it came to audience attention and entertainment, and despite their best efforts it was hurting the show. They still had amazing content, Adam reassured himself, but there was not as much fan fervor as there had been before. 

Time passes. Days on end of this exhausting routine and the coaches find that the final rounds are quickly approaching. 

Blake’s steady silence towards Adam hurts even though it’s exactly what he asked for, but it seems to be helping him. He is doing a bit better and is more outgoing. Then finally one day Adam wakes up after a few hours of sleep feeling manic. His body is thrumming with energy, and strangely his avoidance of any meals at all for the past couple of days has left him with a euphoric feeling. 

The rock star quickly gets himself ready and to the studio, finding himself desperately wanting to use this energy he has to give today’s taping a little kick start. In his heart he knows that he’s been pushing himself pretty hard, and his body has been paying the price for it but it helps him stay distracted. Focusing on this helps him to not think about anything else. 

As he makes his way to the stage he tries not to listen to the voice in his head that is saying he is on a downward spiral- that he isn’t actually getting better and this running away can’t last forever. Filming starts up, and the first chance he gets Adam is throwing around his old sass. Carson positively lights up, and the rock star gets a kick out of everyone’s appreciative laughter. 

As the program goes on Adam is feeling glad that he’s being like his old self. He is determined to feel happy about this. He pushes himself into it more. To the delight of the others, Adam gets out of his chair on a commercial break and starts pumping up the crowd. He’s being silly and they’re all clapping appreciatively. 

It’s a moment before he realizes he can’t hear their cheers anymore…the noise is replaced by a ringing in his ears. A sudden taste of bitterness fills his mouth and his heart starts to pound. Black spots start sparking over his vision; he feels incredibly dizzy. He doesn’t even register the shift in equilibrium as he falls backwards towards the ground.


	7. Chapter 7

On stage Blake is laughing along with everyone else as he watches Adam’s antics. He’s allowed himself to smile and observe the rock star do his thing. He’s feeling hopeful, like maybe Adam is truly feeling better now. It’s understandable that he’s as shocked as everyone else when Adam stumbles as he prances around set. As he faces the audience and is waving his hands in the air, he goes lax suddenly and falls backwards.

“Whoa..!” Usher exclaims, alarmed. Shakira shoots up, very alert while Adam simply looks surprised that he’s wound up on the floor. A couple of nervous giggles are heard but the female coach looks particularly worried, very certain that this isn’t Adam playing around.

Noises of concern come from the audience when he tries to stand up again and can’t. It’s all Blake can do to stay in his chair; he wants to check on the man but he’s afraid of what that might cause. Causing Adam to freak out on set wouldn’t be helpful right now. He watches anxiously as Shakira makes her way over to Adam, crouching down carefully.

After a hushed conversation that Blake strains to hear, Shakira helps him up and they leave the set. After they’ve been gone for a moment the crowd jumps into anxious chatter that Carson tries to quiet down, telling the crew to stop everything. Not interested in staying for the uproar Blake finally gets up and follows.

When he enters the prep area Adam is sitting on one of the sofas looking uncomfortable as he sips on some juice. Shakira is standing over him with her hands on her hips, a stern look on her face.

“What’s goin’ on? You alright?” Blake asks hesitantly, deciding not to give a shit about their little moratorium. He stands next to Shakira, who is watching Adam like a hawk. She speaks for him while glancing up at Blake uncertainly.

“He forgot to eat, again.” She frowns. “I’ve caught him at least three times in the last week. What’s going on with you querido?”

Adam let out a sigh of exasperation. “I’m fine, alright? I’ve just been really busy. You’re a sweetheart for worrying but I’m peachy.” He took another sip of the juice to prove his point. The gesture is negated by just how thin he looks to Blake. Adam is smaller and more fragile than ever sitting amidst the huge couch cushions.

“Adam, we’ve all seen it,” Shakira argued, “Weight has been falling off you recently. We’re worried about you.”

She hesitates, taking a breath before continuing, “…This business, being on stage, on tv…I’ve seen it before with friends. It’s okay to ask for help. Diets get out of control sometimes. It happens.”

Adam tenses in his chair, a scowl on his face. “Look,” he snaps, “I don’t have a fucking eating disorder. Things have just been really busy. I’ve been really nice about this but it’s my fucking life okay? You think I haven’t noticed all your little strategies, trying to get me to eat more? Because I have and I don’t appreciate them.”

Shakira looks shocked at Adam’s abrupt and defensive tone. She is clearly hurt and Adam backpedals a bit, feeling like an asshole. He exhales in frustration. “Please trust that I know what I’m doing. You’ve been on me about this and I know it’s because you’re my friend and you care. It’s really sweet of you, but I’ve had just about enough of it.”

Blake stiffens, unable to stop an onslaught of memories. He’s holding Adam against him firmly, Adam looks terrified as he looks up at him-he’s trying to say something and Blake steals a kiss to shut him up. Adam tries to pull away, tries to put distance between them but Blake is crowding him towards the ground- he drags him back underneath his own body-Adam is thrashing-

“Oh Jesus…” His voice cracks and he turns away from the other two coaches. He runs a hand through his hair; not seeing the brief, confused looks from Shakira and Adam as he does. Determined to stay in the here and now, he tries to focus on seeing what’s in front of him instead of what’s happening in his mind. After a moment he is able to hear his fellow coaches conversation again instead of the yelling in his head. He turns around to face Adam again. He has to be here for Adam.

“Listen…” Blake trails off, suddenly not sure exactly what he had a right to say in this situation. The same thought is going through Adam’s mind if the look on his face is any indication. The country singer pushes onward though.

“Shakira is right, I think you should listen to her.” He nods in her direction and is met with a tentative smile of thanks from the woman.

Adam glares up at the both of them for a moment before finally giving in. He looks down, mumbling, “Fine, I’ll eat something right now just to shut you up about it.”  
“Wonderful,” Shakira says briskly. “Let me run to craft services and get you something. Don’t stand up. Just rest, okay?”

She’s gone in a flash, taking off at a light jog.

When she’s out of the room, both musicians are very aware of the fact that they are by themselves. The silence is awkward and tense, as Blake and Adam have no choice but to observe one another carefully. This is the first time they’ve been alone since the night of their agreement.

Adam looks down at his half empty glass, unable to handle Blake’s gaze on him anymore. This prompts the man to finally say something. “Adam. This idea of yours isn’t working. I’m standin’ here looking at you and I... I know I’m the one who did this to you but I’m scared for you. I’m scared you’re hurting yourself by keeping everyone out.“

Adam kept his head down but he could hear the concern in Blake’s voice. Blake was talking like Adam was his world, like he was all the man cared about. He found himself unable to doubt this fact; it was cemented into his mind. Blake loved him.

“Adam,” The country singer pressed, unsure of the meaning behind his silence. “Just help me understand. What do you need to get better? Why do you say you need me but then push me away? Tell me what I can DO.”

‘You can love me like you’ve been doing,’ Adam thinks in the back of his mind. He can’t even begin to speak the words. He needs Blake to love him…because maybe he loves Blake too. He loves this man who has cared for him, has made him laugh, has hurt him, and that makes Adam messed up and broken. That makes their love poisonous, but it doesn’t stop Adam from feeling it in his heart all the same.

The singer exhales, finally looking back up at Blake. He stares up at his expectant face, not knowing how to articulate his feelings. He can’t deal with this right now. Adam makes up a paltry excuse to get away, feeling panic rise in his chest.

“I don’t know what’s taking her so long but I’m just going to head out. I’ll grab dinner on my way home, scout's honor.” He quips sardonically as he gets up from the sofa.  
He doesn’t make it two steps before halting. “Oh.”

The country singer watches in horror as Adam buckles towards the floor for the second time that day, apparently unable to keep himself upright.

He crouches down to where the musician is sprawled out. “Adam, just stay there. I don’t think you should try that again, you're exhausted.”

Adam is looking up at him and the shift is visible when he checks out mentally. Blake sees the rock star’s face go slack. His eyes turn glassy and his breathing picks up.  
“Oh, no…” Blake murmurs. “Adam, listen, calm down okay? You’re fine man, I promise you’re fine. You just fell down again.”

Adam doesn’t seem to be able to hear him. He feels helpless, not wanting to touch him in case it makes it worse. He stays bent down by him, reaching a hand cautiously forwards.

Blake continues babbling and shushing Adam, not sure what he’s supposed to do in this situation when the door behind him slams open.

“Hey!” Blake turns and sees Usher and Carson stalking towards them, looking furious. He stands quickly.

While Carson makes a beeline for Adam, Usher gets right up in Blake’s face.

“What the hell did you do to him?” he asks angrily.

“Nothing...I- what? Nothin’, I didn’t do anything!” Blake is distractedly looking over Usher’s shoulder at Adam.

The rock star is pushing himself back against the base of the couch, his knees drawn up to his chest. He’s visibly shaking, unable to focus on Carson who is holding him by the shoulders and speaking softly to him.

“Obviously you-!” Usher’s accusation is cut off as Adam’s gasps shift to words.

He turns around in time to see Adam squeeze his eyes shut, a look of intense concentration on his face. “H-he…He…Blake-“ The musician cuts off with a wheeze, shaking his head.

Blake’s heart breaks as he watches Adam’s attempt at coherence unravel. The rock star is unable to keep going, only managing a strangled “Oh, God- I can’t breathe.” before beginning to hyperventilate.

“No, no, Adam it's all fine.” Carson is trying in earnest now to help the coach regain control, “Just try and match my breathing.”

Usher whips back around, righteous anger apparent in his expression. He shoves Blake on the shoulder with one hand. Stunned, the country singer takes another step back to minimize the blow. Anger spikes in his blood.

“Now just hold on for one damn minute, we were only talkin’,” Blake shouts angrily, anxious to be heard over the noise.

“I don’t care man, you obviously did something because Adam’s a fucking wreck,” Usher’s tone is filled with blame. “Just look what’s happened to him ever since you hurt him! Can’t you see it’s changed him? Don’t you have any idea how messed up that is?”

“I…” Blake knows he’s right. Adam used to be the strongest, wildest person he knew…utterly fearless. Now he couldn’t even talk to him without causing him pain. He has no defense.

Usher searches his features, anger turning to sadness as he sees Blake’s remorse and he sighs in resignation. “Just go, man. Get out of here, you've done enough.”  
Blake doesn't need to be told twice. With a final look at Adam lost in his own mind he leaves.

Shakira returns several minutes later to a very different scene. Her alarm rises as she sees Carson gently talking to Adam, who is now on the floor, with Usher sadly watching a few steps away. Blake is nowhere to be seen.

“What happened? Where’s Blake?” She asks.

Carson and Usher look at her in slight confusion. “What? You knew Blake was with him?”

“Yeah, we both were. We were trying to get him to eat something,” She hands over the food to Adam who takes it tiredly. “I was only gone for a minute.”

“We were talking and I lost it for a sec,” Adam says quietly. The singer is back to normal, but looks much worse for wear than just a few minutes before. “He was trying to help me calm down. Then you guys came by…” He trails off, shaking his head.

“We were just trying to help. From the doorway it looked like he was holding you down.” Carson says uncertainly.

Adam just looks at him for a moment. “…Well, he wasn’t. Look I’m just really tired and I want to go home. I’ll call a car and eat this on the way.”

Shakira shakes her head. “No way, you promised. You’re eating that here and now, before you leave.”

“Yeah- you just had an anxiety attack man. You need to sit for a while and let yourself recover.” Carson adds.

Adam feels like he could scream but he knows arguing will be useless. He has a feeling that if he sticks up for Blake at this moment and shows how angry he really is at their presumption they might actually haul his ass in to therapy or something.

Grudgingly, he rips open the packaging and utensils. He pauses as Carson, Usher and Shakira all sit down next to him on the floor. He looks at the three of them and sees not pity, but support on their faces. They don’t say anything but the gesture of solidarity is unmistakable; one that causes a lump to rise in his throat.

Even though they frustrate him, their hearts are in the right place. Adam knows trying to explain it to them won’t help; he can barely explain it to himself. He eats as his friends talk and try to make it okay, wondering where Blake was. Knowing the man had just been told off for something he didn't do made him anxious to eat quickly so he could get out of here and find him.

 

…

 

Blake is wasted. He’d come home in a hurry, eager to get away. Of course, when he did walk through the door it had been utterly silent. The contrast between this and the shouting at the studio put him on edge. He tried not to feel angry and resentful towards Usher and Carson, but he couldn’t help it. They were trying to protect Adam but they’d locked him out in order to do it.

He had paced around the house; frustrated with himself and the complete chaos he’d created. Everything was so messed up. He’d single handedly managed to destroy his best friend and the relationship they’d had. Seeing Adam now and what he’d become thanks to his actions …he was so destructive that he’d hurt his best friend bad enough to where he was falling apart at the seams.

He swiped the drinks he needed and stalked over to his bedroom. Blake drank with purpose as he settled against the headboard. Intent on getting away from these feelings the musician kept up his drinking pace and made it through an alarming number of bottles. A few hours of this and he was angrily wiping away tears but he was indeed getting that sense of fading away. There was some relief in feeling like he was not all there anymore.

Blake jerked slightly in surprise when he felt buzzing in his pocket. He slowly pulled out his mobile and was surprised to see Adam’s number calling. He let it go to voicemail as he marveled at the man’s masochistic tendencies. Here he was, reaching out to Blake after he’d just caused him yet another meltdown. What the hell was the matter with him?

“No,” He murmured sluggishly, dropping the phone. He needed to save Adam from what he wanted. He’d said he needed Blake but all the country singer managed to do was make things worse. …Maybe if he took himself out of the equation… maybe Adam would be okay again.

On a wild impulse, Blake slid off the bed and stumbled over to his bathroom. He knew what he could do to help Adam, he thought hazily. The country star lurched over his sink, digging messily through drawers before pulling out a razor, gripping it in one hand with his drink in the other.

He stared down at the thing, his heart pounding. It had been a gift from Miranda… an old fashioned barber’s blade. How appropriate that her gift would become useful in this moment, he mused bitterly. Could he really do this? He felt so far away, so unattached, that bringing the blade to his skin suddenly seemed very appealing to him.  
He hesitated, the blade hovering over his arm. The fear that was stopping him only lasted a moment though, and he sliced into himself before he could think better of it. The sensation of an immediate sting shot through him; he felt as though he was heating up, like he might break out into a sweat.

Despite this he kept going, not allowing himself to stop until both of his arms were covered in the spilled blood. Blake was still gripping his drink in his other hand, unaware that he’d dumped its contents all over the floor as he’d focused on his efforts. He barely finished the last cut because his hands had started to tremble quite a bit.

The rush of the pain was exhilarating; one of the most sickening, amazing highs Blake had ever experienced. He watched the blood run from his arms in fascination, feeling like his body was not his own. He could hear his heart was pounding fiercely in his ears, but he had never had such calmness wash over him before.

The juxtaposition of the elation and sedative-like sensations flooded Blake’s brain and stopped all thoughts. Finally his mind was quiet. He closed his eyes in relief and leaned back against the wall, savoring the moment. Feeling so outside of himself, he didn’t become aware of the door open to his bathroom.

The sound of a gasp caused him to open his eyes.

“Blake, NO!”

Blake’s stomach clenched with shock- Adam was standing in the doorway with a look of utter horror on his face. He ran into the bathroom and crouched over Blake, his hands fluttering over the man’s injuries.

“No, no, Blake why? Why would you do this? You fucking idiot!” He was choking up as he turned and began to rip through the bathroom cabinets for a first-aid kit. Blake clenched the razor in his hand as he carefully backed up. Adam wasn’t supposed to see this. …Not Adam…He was doing this FOR Adam!

“Blake,” Adam looked up at him wretchedly, peering up through his long eyelashes. He was clutching band-aids in one fist. Christ, that always killed him, Blake thought faintly. Even now his good looks still hit him like a punch to the gut. The heat of shame traveled up his neck as he fought to control his emotions. It was useless however. The country star felt his expression contort into one of anguish, and a soft but undeniable sob escaped him.

His eyes squeezed shut as Adam ever so gently reached for the razor in his hand and pried it from his grip. He quickly dropped it, but not before the blood stained his fingertips. The younger man moved forward and framed Blake’s face with shaking hands.

“You promised,” The rock star whispered, “We were supposed to do this together. No easy outs, for either of us.”

Blake was quietly crying now, the tears running down his cheeks almost washing the blood away from Adam’s hand. He reached up and placed his own hand on top of Adam’s and squeezed it, desiring comfort.

“I’m s-sorry. I’m so sorry Adam, I just can’t do this. I only ever wanted to give you what you wanted but I’m so goddamn tired…You keep sayin’ we’re in this together but all I feel is alone. I never see you, and when I do it hurts you. I’m done hurting you.” Blake took a shaky breath, the searing pain in his arm pretty much the only thing keeping him alert now.

“I-I feel-“ He was cut off as Adam wrapped a hand around the back of his neck and guided him downwards for a kiss. It was a chaste thing, their lips only pressed together gently and lasting but a moment. It stole Blake’s breath away. Love, surprise and relief exploded in his chest, but he didn’t dare move just in case it startled Adam.

The shorter man stayed where he was however, only pulling away for breath, looking into Blake’s eyes. Through his tears he smiled down at the man he loved.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I need you Blake, and I…I love you. We are in this together, but it’s taken me some time.” Adam’s fingers reached up and started to run through Blake’s hair, causing the country singer to sigh and lean into the comforting sensation.

“Everything’s gotten messed up but I’m going to keep trying. We both are.” Adam locked eyes with Blake, demanding agreement. Blake tried to stay focused...he was feeling really dizzy. He strained to keep listening to Adam’s soft words.

“I’ll work on my stuff, but you have to hang in there, okay? Blake?” Adam’ voice took on a tone of unease. Blake was stumbling backwards, and his back hit the wall with a thud.

“Adam…I’m cold.” The taller man slid down the wall and slumped into a sitting position.

“Wait…wait, hold on!” Adam was yelling now, shaking his shoulders. Blake’s head lolled to the side; he was non-responsive. Adam cupped his face so he could look into his eyes, but they were closed.

“Blake!”


	8. Chapter 8

Blake wasn’t answering. Blake wasn’t awake, he was passed out, unconscious, what was he supposed to do-!

Adam was panicking. 

His hands were framing the country star’s face. “Blake, please! Come on you big idiot. This isn’t funny.”

No response. He pulled back, taking a deep breath to try and calm down, to try and figure out what to do. The larger man was crumpled against the wall in what looked like a horribly uncomfortable position. Adam’s hands hovered uselessly as he eyed the cuts all over Blake’s arms. He made an unconscious sound of pain as he really got a look at them; at least 15 or so slices across both arms, bleeding steadily. 

He rummaged through the first aid box to get gauze and fastenings. He had an idea of what he needed to do but he wasn’t entirely sure of himself. Adam felt alone as he looked back at the door helplessly, he was so very alone. 

He didn’t trust that calling for help would end up being okay for the both of them. If medics took Blake to the hospital with Adam in tow, would the ER staff recognize them? Would anyone who had seen him on his previous visit make a connection? He was afraid of the possibilities, of what it could do to the both of them if anyone saw them. It was better not to risk it.

So it was just him. Just him on his own with his passed out, broken down…friend, lover, abuser, all of the above- whatever Blake was to him. Tears welled up in his eyes as he started to try and undo what Blake had done to himself. 

“Fuck! Okay, okay I’m just gonna…” Adam’s mumbling was bordering on hysterical as he sanitized and bandaged up Blake’s arms. 

His tears were dripping down his face onto the wrappings and Adam’s heart clenched when no reaction came from the older man. With his slack expression and closed eyes he looked dead to the world. Adam kept working though, growing steadily more composed as he covered more of the cuts. Eventually he finished, but once his task was complete he didn’t know what to do with himself, didn’t know what else to do to help Blake. 

Adam was scared to move the man; he doubted he was even capable of moving him. He was afraid to leave him here alone. After 5 minutes of anxious watchfulness, he risked running to the kitchen quickly to grab water for when Blake woke up. He was back by Blake’s side in a flash, panting from the sprint.

As the night wore on, he continued to sit by Blake’s side; determined to be with him when he did regain consciousness.

…

“God, you’re such a fucking douche bag.”

Blake heard sniffling. He groaned as he tried to get his bearings. His neck- and his head for that matter- were killing him. He tried to push himself upright. 

“No, don’t-!” Blake heard Adam yell over his own yelp of pain. A deep ache ripped through his arms, forcing him to stay on the floor. Opening his eyes blearily, he could see Adam sitting next to him on the ground, looking equal parts furious and relieved. Adam wasn’t crying, but tear tracks were clearly visible around his red-rimmed eyes. He looked thoroughly exhausted.

“You look like hell, man.” Blake said hoarsely. This earned a small involuntary smile from the musician, who rubbed his eyes tiredly. 

“Fuck,” The rock star realized after a second that he’d just smeared blood all over his face. “That’s so nasty.”

There was blood all over his hands, Blake observed, along with unraveled rolls of gauze and bandage wrappings on the floor. He looked down at his arms; both were covered in meticulously applied bandages. While the rock star was covered in the grime of his work, Blake’s limbs were clean. 

“You need to drink water,” Adam said soberly after a moment, unable to stand the silence that grew as Blake stared down at his arms. “You lost a fair bit of blood. Luckily, the cuts weren’t too deep but your drinking didn’t help any…I think that’s why you passed out.”

Blake struggled to even find the words to express his gratitude. Adam had been watching him, taking care of him while he was unconscious. Despite everything Blake had done, Adam had stayed by his side.

“Have…have I been out long?” he asked. 

“It’s been a couple of hours. Yeah.” Adam said.

“You must be pretty angry with me,” Blake ventured as Adam handed him a bottle of water.

“I couldn’t move you anywhere more comfortable, you’re just too freakin’ big for me to lift and I didn’t want to risk hurting you more by dragging you across the floor.” Blake’s heart sank when Adam completely ignored the question. His conversational tone was positively bizarre given their circumstances. 

The younger man cleared his throat and looked like he was about to stand up and leave the bathroom when Blake blurted the first words that came to mind, “Did you mean it?”

Adam paused, settling back down as he leveled Blake with a look. “What?”

“When you said you loved me.”

“Yes,” Adam didn’t hesitate, plowing on before Blake could even register happiness over Adam’s affirmation. “But it doesn’t matter does it?”

“Whaddya mean?” Blake bleats earnestly. “Course it matters!”

Adam shrugged edgily, his anger breaking through his fatigue. “Well shit, man. If you’re dead, or you want to be dead, then whether or not I love you must not mean that much to you. Like, what the hell am I supposed to think? Somewhere in that wasted little brain of yours, you decided that leaving-“ 

Adam breaks off, trying to regain control of his voice. He heaves a shaky sigh before fixing that glare of his on Blake. “That leaving me here on my own was the best option.”

Guilt overwhelms Blake as he thinks of how he has, once again, put Adam through the wringer. He could kick himself- even when he is trying to save Adam he ends up hurting him. Jesus, the irony is unbearable. 

“At the time…I thought it was the best option,” Blake said, cringing under Adam’s fierce stare. 

He began to speak a mile a minute. “Look, all I can do is apologize and try to explain. What I said before is true. I’m tired of hurting you, I’m sick and tired of being the person responsible for all of your suffering, ‘specially since the person I love is the one I’m hurting. I guess I was tryin’ to…tryin’ to save you. From myself.”

“Do you have any idea how fucking stupid that is Blake?” Adam was unable to control his temper, scooting towards the country star. “After everything I’d said. Everything about you helping me. About being in this together. Do you remember any of that?”

“I know it’s stupid! I got into a bad space in my head, and I had a few too many. When I left the studio you were fallin’ apart Adam… you couldn’t even speak and I’m the one who did that to you. Me! I’m the one who is the source of all the goddamn problems ‘round here!” Blake’s voice is filled with conviction. “I keep fuckin’ up. If I could take back the last 12 hours, I would. I keep finding the worst ways to try and help.”

Adam’s expression softened into one of frustration and sadness. “You’re not the only one Big Country. I pulled away for too long, and it hurt the both of us. I left you alone to deal with your fallout and I self-destructed trying to deal with mine.”

He sighed and turned so he could lean up against the wall and Blake, sharing warmth on the cold bathroom floor. 

“So we’ve been at this all wrong. A false start.” Adam said. 

Blake thought it was perhaps the most heinous understatement of the year. “A royal fuck up, more like.”

“Well, let’s try something else. Let’s do this together, and try to be good for each other.” Adam leaned more heavily on Blake’s shoulder and the country star nodded his assent.

“About today,” the younger man continued, “That wasn’t your fault you know. That was me, having a weak moment, and Carson and Usher thought they saw something that they didn’t. He shouldn’t have fucking pushed you away like that.”

“But who ultimately caused that weak moment in the first place, Adam? Come on. I don’t really blame ‘em,” Blake mumbled under his breath. “I’d have punched my face in by now if I was in their shoes.”

Ambivalence was all Blake earned for his remark of self-loathing. “See, that’s the kind of crap that needs to stop if we’re gonna do this right.” 

Adam sounded thoroughly unimpressed, and stood up abruptly. “Come on, Shelton. I know you were raised in a barn, but this is too much even for you. Let’s clean this pig sty up.” 

The rock star helped Blake carefully get to his feet, and the two began the arduous task of cleaning up the bathroom’s mess before moving on to the rest of the house. As Adam followed him around with an outstretched trash bag for all the bottles and clutter spread over the house, Blake felt as though they were cleaning their proverbial slates as well. It was the most literal fresh start Blake had ever experienced.


	9. Chapter 9

Blake’s stomach growls at the smell of the roasting vegetables and chicken on the grill. He takes a sip of water in an attempt to keep a little cooler as the California sun beats down on the deck. He flips the food, making sure it doesn’t burn as he looks up and admires his view. Sure, the seascape visible from Adam’s hillside backyard is amazing; but Blake is talking about the rock star himself. 

Adam is lying out on one of the sun chairs, soaking up the afternoon rays in nothing but a pair of swim trunks. He’d noticed Adam getting bronzer these past few weeks, but today he was getting the opportunity to appreciate just how even and extensive the new coloring was. As Adam stretched out with his earphones plugged in, he also couldn’t help but notice with a little twinge of worry that the musician’s shoulders and hipbones were more visible than he ever remembered them being. It was a good thing they were doing this. 

Adam hadn’t left since he’d run to his house to pick up clothes and his favorite guitar two nights ago. They had not been apart since. In their attempt to acclimate to one another again the pair had decided on spending the weekend together just doing normal things. Both agreed that being outside for a couple hours each day would be good for them, so here they were. He took another sip of his drink, fighting his craving for something stronger. In exchange for drinking only water that afternoon Adam had consented to letting Blake cook for him, which was why Blake had decided to dust off Adam’s state of the art, only-used-once barbecue. 

When Blake had first asked if Adam would be willing to let Blake help him get back on track with taking care of himself, the man had been hesitant. He had been honest, saying that he didn’t think he could handle relinquishing that control he’d accrued over his eating habits. Blake had understood and thought about it for a while before coming back to the subject, proposing a deal of sorts. 

He would be allowed to help Adam undo the damage he’d been doing during his self-imposed isolation, and in exchange Adam would have the power to cut him off if he thought Blake had been drinking too much. 

They both knew that Blake’s drinking was a huge source of their problems, but it was such an integral part of who Blake was as a person that it posed quite a problem concerning how to approach the issue. Nevertheless, he trusted that Adam would have a healthy idea of the right amount and would be able to keep him in check without causing him to go into withdrawal. 

Given Adam’s own love affair with tequila, he knew he wouldn’t be forced to go cold turkey or anything close to it. In the back of Blake’s mind he knew this wasn’t the proper way one typically handles these things, but nothing about the two of them was proper. It was probably risky, but being in the spotlight didn’t given them many options that didn’t put their privacy or their careers in jeopardy. They were game to try this their own way for now. 

Adam did indeed limit him though; hence the iced water he was now working his way through. The rock star had suggested a time frame, a couple of hours in the evenings that Blake could get his fix. In exchange for this Blake was allowed to feed Adam home cooked meals at least twice a day, and the rock star had promised to keep his complaining and arguing to a minimum. 

“It’s done!” Blake called, and Adam trotted over as the food was plated. They ate in companionable silence, Blake not commenting when Adam only ate about half what was on his plate. Progress was progress, after all.

After they’re finished, Blake sits poolside with his feet in the water as Adam swims leisurely through the water. They talk about anything and everything; about their respective teams, who they think will win this season, politics, and all the usual talk around town about other celebrities, whether they’re friends or acquaintances or enemies. 

The country star revels in their time together. After so long a silence between them, every second with Adam feels like a gift. Spending weeks not speaking to each other seems absurd now, in this moment where he can feel so acutely so much he needs to be with this man. 

He didn’t understand why or how it had happened, but Adam’s love and friendship was now something that Blake knew he could never live without.

Eventually they make their way back inside. They spend the evening divided between talking shit about things on the television, watching a basketball game (or enduring it with the help of his phone, in Blake’s case) and playing songs to each other on the many instruments in Blake’s home. 

They keep busy enough that two homemade margaritas are enough for the night, consumed slowly over an hour or so. Blake has that familiar urge, just like any time he drinks: he doesn’t want one or two drinks. He wants twelve. It’s not overpowering though, and the country singer is determined to keep up his end of the deal. As a made for TV movie cuts to commercial the couple succumbs to their boredom, sliding listlessly around on the sofa until Adam settles his head against Blake’s lap. 

Blake is careful not to reveal any change in his bearing as he absent-mindedly strokes Adam’s hair, taking the gesture of familiar friendliness as one of trust. Though non-verbal, it’s an obvious signal that Adam is perhaps more at ease with being physical in his affection once again.

Nothing could possibly make Blake happier in this moment, and he finds himself wishing that every day could be spent as these past few have. 

…

They’re standing a pace away from one another, both too anxious to make the first move. Blake seems intent on keeping his word; he’ll not approach Adam unless he specifically asks him to do so. The rock star is frustrated because he doesn’t have the courage to move forward himself, but he is having trouble admitting out loud that he wants Blake to touch him. 

After a good half hour of his hair being caressed by Blake, Adam had found himself craving more. He wanted to reach out, this sudden impulse to kiss the older man overwhelming. When he’d said as much Blake had immediately been worried, voicing his concern that it’d be moving to fast, that they should give it more time. 

Adam had felt a rush of warmth for Blake, as the man hadn’t even considered his own desires before focusing on Adam’s wellbeing. It reaffirmed everything he was feeling in that moment, leading him to insist, “I just want to try. Please.”

After some hemming and hawing Blake finally agreed. The problem was that usually these things just happened organically, and the moment they both agreed to try it began to feel unnatural. 

The mood of the room is quickly approaching something similar to a stalemate rather than intimacy, and the two find themselves breaking into nervous laughter. Thankfully it breaks the tension and with what he hopes is a reassuring smile Blake remains absolutely still as Adam steps towards him, studying his face as he reaches up to touch him. Adam rests a hand on the side of his neck, rubbing his thumb up and down gently. Blake shivers, closing his eyes. They stay there, just acclimating to their closeness for a time. 

Blake inhales as Adam surges up and kisses him. It’s more insistent than the previous one in the bathroom, a steady pressure that is truly electric. They pull apart, breathing hard. Blake can’t help but stare down at Adam’s reddened lips as they rest their foreheads together. Blake grasps at Adam’s lower back, just feeling, and Adam sucks in a breath as he bites his lip. A jolt of arousal shoots through Blake at the sight- this man is magnetic to him. He leans down, recapturing Adam’s mouth, grinning through the kiss as Adam lets out a little whine. 

Blake desperately wants him to get even more vocal, so he grabs further down, squeezing his ass. Adam moans into Blake’s mouth, who takes the opportunity to lick at the rock star’s lips before kissing him more deeply. He takes pleasure in tasting Adam- the tequila, lime and mint mixing with the hints of jasmine tea that are always present on Adam’s person. 

He takes pleasure in exploring, not noticing for a moment that Adam is gripping the front of his plaid button up rather fiercely. The sliding of their lips together brings about a smoldering, shiver-inducing friction that Adam can feel all the way down his spine.

“Mmph…” Adam wrenches his head back, licking his lips. “Blake, wait.”

The country singer pulls away immediately. “You alright?”

Adam sighs, nuzzling his head against Blake’s chest, catching his breath. “Yeah…I think- I think that was a good first try. Let’s just head to bed.” 

Blake hmms in agreement, kissing the top of his lover’s head, “That’s fine,” He intertwines his fingers with Adam’s smaller ones, tugging slightly. “C’mere.”

He leads Adam to the bedroom, not saying much on the way there. Adam toys with the hem of his shirt as Blake takes off his jeans and climbs into bed. The country singer is attempting to act natural, doing his best to project comforting vibes. The younger musician follows after standing at the foot of the bed for a time, once Blake had been still for a few moments. 

Blake wraps one arm around Adam as he leans against him. Curiously, the rock star is still, not wiggling or moving around as Blake had been expecting. Blake worries, wondering if he is uncomfortable or anxious. A soft snuffling sound reaches his ears and he looks down- warmth raises in his chest when he sees that Adam is trying to doze already. The fact that he is comfortable enough to try and sleep after kissing him ignites happiness in the country star’s heart. 

Blake is blissed out, his mind drifting lazily as Adam naps for the better portion of an hour. A smile creeps up on his face when Adam stirs, a frown on his face.

“…Ugh…s’too hot…” Adam slurs sleepily. Blake chuckles and scoots back to give the man space as he sluggishly starts shucking his clothing under the covers. He grins when Adam positively flings his jeans off, the too tight material clinging to his ankles annoyingly. He’s awake by the end of his struggle, and Blake can’t help but love this grumpy, sleep-tousled version of Adam. 

“Don’t even, Big Country.” He grumbles. “How are you not sweating right now? You’re a freakin’ furnace.”

In truth Blake had been too warm, but the last thing he had wanted to do was get rid of any more layers in case it made Adam uncomfortable. Having him wake up to Blake wearing any less clothing than when the man had fallen asleep was a scenario that the country singer decided he’d rather avoid. 

“Dunno,” He hummed instead, smirking. “Guess you’re just really sensitive, man.” 

“That’s a load of bullshit.” Adam retorts, but a smile of his own overrides this declaration. To Blake’s delight, the man pulls off the remainder of his clothing, muttering about wanting to get comfortable.

Blake turns on his side, carefully propping himself up on one arm as he lightly traces Adam’s angles and curves with one hand. Adam stretches upwards, leaning into the touch and quivering. He gazes up at Blake and lays the full power of that signature gaze on him; the look is filled with tenderness and a healthy dose of lust. As Blake’s hand begins to trace the singer’s chest Adam latches onto it. He presses his hand over Blake’s to keep their contact as Adam kicks back the blankets.

“Kiss me again, you dork.”

Blake double checks, “You sure?”

Adam only rolls his eyes, playing off the concern that in reality he is so thankful for. He nods as he lies back, trying to look confident. Blake shakes his head, smiling as he readjusts as well. 

Blake settles comfortably on his knees, admiring Adam as he stretches out in front of him gracefully on top of the sheets. The smaller man is extending and flexing muscles, and smiles at Blake as he curls his toes. 

“Come on,” Adam huffs, growing impatient. Blake obliges, leaning forward to get his hands on his lover. He starts at Adam’s shoulders, pressing firmly, which earns him a moan of appreciation. With just the right amount of pressure he runs his fingers down until they are at Adam’s hips where he pauses to appreciate how trim he is. 

One of the things that drives Blake wild about Adam are these narrow hips; they’re capable of so many wonderful things both on and off stage. He’s pulled out of his reverie by Adam’s impatient wriggling, and he chuckles as he continues on. Blake can’t wait one more second to put his mouth on Adam, who whines as he starts laying worshipful kisses across his skin. He’s lost in the scent and taste of Adam’s skin when he feels the man stiffen. 

Blake pauses. “Adam? You still good?”

Adam’s breathing had turned harsh, and Blake hears a huff of frustration. He sits back on his knees, going still as Adam turns on his side again and curls up. The rock star looks embarrassed and upset with himself. 

“…Maybe not.” Blake feels badly as Adam flushes, avoiding eye contact. 

“It’s okay,” Blake reaches back and pulls the duvet up with him as he settles beside Adam. He is careful not to betray any kind of pity or guilt in his expression as he covers both of their bodies. After a moment he reaches for Adam’s chin, guiding his face so he can make eye contact with his lover. “All I want is to be with you. Whatever that includes, or doesn’t include, is okay with me.” 

Adam comes closer to him and Blake wraps his arms around the rock star, who hums comfortably. He feels Adam settle into his chest and is aware of the man’s fingers tracing the scars on his arms underneath the bandages. It would probably be morbid, but he finds that he doesn’t mind it. When Adam gives attention to these wounds they become marks his lover knows and understands, instead of an ugly reminder of one of his weakest moments. 

“I know. It’s not about that, though,” Adam says quietly. “I’m more frustrated with myself. I know that this is something I want. It’s just my brain that’s in the way. I know that it’s going to take time. Probably a lot of time. But I’ve never been a patient person. I feel like maybe once we can do this, it’ll help us get past everything. Really start fresh. But I just can’t do it when all I want to do is get over it.”

Sadness wells up in Blake’s heart. He should remind Adam that healing takes time, that he’s been doing remarkably well, but being the person to tell him that seems pretty ironic and messed up. 

“Well, you know I trust you Adam but you’re making this harder on yourself than it needs to be. It’s not something to just get over. One thing I do know is that pushing yourself into it will probably make it scarier. Let’s not make any leaps here. We got time.” He insists. 

“Okay…” Adam huffs, snuggling back against Blake for good this time. Soon he is asleep, and his soft breathing carries Blake off into a deep, dreamless sleep.


	10. Chapter 10

“No…N-no. Stop…” 

Blake is stirred from his sleep by the sound of Adam’s voice. He sounds strained, like he’s out of breath. 

“What’s wrong?” He asks, his voice husky from sleep. There’s no answer. Blake adjusts, rolling over to see Adam curled up asleep. His face is scrunched slightly, and the rock star is shivering. He’d kicked off all the blankets during the night. 

“Adam.” Blake calls tiredly. 

The musician doesn’t wake, instead muttering more fragmented words. 

“Plea…please…Blake-“ The country star’s stomach clenches. Was Adam dreaming about-?

“Stop!” Adam cries out, one of his arms flying out in front of his face. With a gasp he jerks awake, breathing hard. Blake just looks at him sadly as the wild-eyed fear on Adam’s face fades once he remembers where he is. 

The younger man scrubs at his eyes with the heels of his palms. “…Fuck.” 

He turns, letting his legs hang from the side of the bed. Blake looks at Adam, at the tattoos on his skin, at the too defined outline of shoulder blades as he hunches over. His heart sinks in his chest when he sees Adam begin to shake. His suspicions are confirmed when he hears a rough sob, one that is muffled half way through.

Blake climbs out of bed so he can approach Adam head on and not startle him. He steps around to the other side and kneels in front of him. Adam has one hand over his mouth with his eyes squeezed shut, clearly trying to stop the sound of his crying. 

“Aw, man. Adam.” 

The rock star looks at Blake through his tears. Neither one can think of anything to say. 

They both can’t sleep after that. Adam follows Blake to the kitchen, sitting at a barstool while the older man begins to make coffee and tea. As he lies his head on the cool granite counter top Adam softly instructs Blake on how to make the best brew.

Blake thinks that Adam looks too worn out for someone who just got 6 hours of rest. A few days of good care have done wonders, but the man is still ways away from looking well. As he waits for the drinks to be ready, he turns on the smaller TV in the kitchen, putting the Weather Channel on mute. Adam hasn’t taken his eyes off of him since they’d left the bedroom, and Blake is trying to decide if that’s because he’s looking to see what he’s going to make them for breakfast, or if it’s because he wants to make sure Blake won’t sneak up on him. 

He starts pulling out ingredients for vegetable omelettes, trying his damndest to act normal. It’s early days, he thinks as he starts heating butter in a pan. Things will get better. His first instinct was to leave the room this morning when Adam had woken up like that. All he’d wanted to do was give Adam his space, not able to comprehend how the younger man would want to be in the same bed as him after waking up from that nightmare. 

“I’ve been having those dreams since the beginning.” Adam says, practically reading Blake’s mind. 

Blake turns. Adam’s head is lifted slightly from the counter so he can look up at Blake more easily. 

“I’ll keep having them whether you’re with me or not, and I’d rather have you with me. It’s just like you said last night. All we need is to give it time and just keep pushing through.”

He takes the food off the stove as the coffee pot beeps. He sets the coffee and tea on the counter by Adam, but the younger man ignores them in favor of turning towards Blake on his stool. His arms reach upwards, cupping Blake’s neck in his hands. 

Blake looks down at his lover. He sounds bone tired but resolute when he says, “Time will help us heal.”

Adam stands, stepping into Blake’s personal space. He leans upwards, letting his lips hover around Blake’s and the country star can’t keep his eyes off his mouth. He feels Adam pulling on his neck, dragging him forwards as he settles back against the counter. This makes Blake’s height advantage even more prominent, and he finds that he has to reach down even more to kiss him. 

The sound Adam makes is almost like a sigh of relief when their lips meet, and Blake finds himself wondering yet again if he’s goin’ to hell for this. He doesn’t dwell on it though because damn it, he’s been on his best behavior so he’s going to enjoy this while it’s happening. His hands sweep across Adam’s back, cradling his waist to keep the musician close to him as he explores his mouth. 

Adam doesn’t really stop pulling until Blake has him pressed against the counter enough to where he’s bending backwards as Blake kisses him. He settles his hands between them, breathing shakily through his reddened lips as Blake starts to kiss his way along his jaw line. Blake’s mouthing at the stubble growing there, following it down lower to the rock star’s sternum. He comes up for short moments to utter ramblings before resuming his task of taking Adam apart.

“Hmm…Should probably finish…Uh, finish making breakfast.” Blake’s voice is husky, and Adam holds on for dear life, clutching at Blake’s shirt. He vaguely wonders if they’ll knock over their drinks since he’s practically laying on the counter now. His mind is buzzy but not anxious. His blood is hot and heavy in his veins, and the feeling of Blake hard against his thigh fills him with anticipation, not fear. 

He can tell that Blake is getting lost in the moment because the gentleness is slowly giving way to a more insistent, hungry kissing. Blake is kind of ravaging him, Adam thinks deliriously as he throws back his head with a groan. He can feel the growly sound that Blake makes in reply, feels it in his chest as the larger man shifts his grip. 

Adam can’t help the whimper that escapes him when he feels Blake’s hands spread out against his ribcage, the stubble scratching against his throat. His small noises culminate in a gasp as he feels teeth against his neck; there is the softest of bites before he senses Blake sucking on his skin. His toes curl, and he brings one muscled leg up to brace against Blake’s hip.

Not stopping his assault on Adam’s neck in the least, Blake brings an arm down to keep Adam’s leg braced against him. Adam lets him, and finds himself completely overwhelmed by the sensations. He gives up on trying to keep leaning upwards and lets himself lay his torso down on the counter. 

The cold is a momentary shock but it’s soon forgotten when his lover lifts his leg up even higher, bringing it with him as he presses himself over Adam. Blake is standing between Adam’s sprawled legs, grinding himself against the rock star as he lathes at his skin. Adam doesn’t think he even realizes he’s doing it, and that’s enough of a thing for him to take charge a little bit.

Adam lightly shoves against Blake’s shoulders and suddenly he finds himself with arms full of cold air. Blake had taken three rapid steps back, standing there with a red mouth, breathing hard. 

“Hey,” Adam gripes. “What the hell. Come on, Blake. Come back to me.”

He beckons him closer and with a sheepish look Blake settles back against the smaller man, a few inches between their lower bodies this time. 

“Sorry, I was getting a little-“

“None of that,” Adam says firmly. “I only wanted to have a turn too.”

He reaches for Blake’s waistband, but the country singer’s hands cover his in a flash.

“Adam,” Blake’s voice sounds strained. “I…I think this is definitely you pushing yourself. Didn’t we talk about this only like a minute ago? I don’t think it’s smart to do this when you woke up just this morning from-“

“From a stupid fucking nightmare that is just my brain trying to fuck with what I want. I know what I’m doing, I’ll fucking say when I’m not okay.” Adam doesn’t know why he’s pushing this, but it’s all he can think about. He has to scratch this itch. He adopts a seductive, pleading tone. “I have to keep trying. Come on…just let me, please let me. I want to touch you. You gotta let me touch you.”

Blake’s trying to stifle a groan, but his hands are easy to push aside as Adam starts to pull at the man’s sleep pants. The country singer sucks in a sharp breath through his teeth as he feels Adam’s hands on him, pulling him out, and then just pulling at him. 

Adam is handling him, giving him the most delicious friction when he leans up to whisper in Blake’s ear, “Kiss me.”

Blake’s mouth crashes down onto Adams. Their kissing is fierce and forceful, and Adam has him trembling with pleasure as he continues working him with a firm grip. 

“Ugh, God.” Blake breaks away and brings a hand to Adam’s cheek. He cradles his sharp cheekbone, rubbing a thumb over Adam’s panting mouth as he stares into those bright eyes. 

“Just give me…just give it to me,” Adam pants before sucking Blake’s finger into his mouth. He starts stroking Blake in earnest now, trying his best to give the man his pleasure. Adam cants his hips upward as much as he’s able, and spreads his legs wider to have more room. He starts to move his body wantonly, really giving Blake a show. The older man loses it and comes as Adam starts up a repeated, high pitched moaning around Blake’s thumb in his mouth, never breaking eye contact. 

Blake’s hands fall away, and Adam’s legs return to the ground as the country star relaxes fully against him. With a gentle press to his clavicle, he gets Blake to let him up and Adam is off to wash up in a matter of seconds. As Blake just tries to catch his breath, he looks around the empty kitchen wondering where the hell that had come from. All of a sudden it feels way too quiet, and a creeping feeling of insecurity burns his cloud of lust away. 

Blake feels disoriented as he redresses himself. Catching a glimpse of the still steaming eggs on the stove burner makes him realize how fucking fast that had all happened. What the fuck?

“Adam?” He calls carefully. The rock star comes from around the corner a moment later. He’d changed his clothing evidently, a soft Henley and loose jeans now covering his frame. 

“All clean!” Adam chirps, “Guess it’s time to eat?” 

Blake is at a loss. “You didn’t even let me,” He stutters, “You haven’t even-“

Adam is scooping the food onto two plates, setting them on the counter where they just fucking had sex, and Blake feels like a red flag is waving in his face. “Hold on! Adam, what the hell was that?”

The musician turns from setting down the dishware. “What? Did you not like it?”

“Sure I liked it. Hell yeah, I loved it!” Blake splutters, “But I was kinda hopin’ to return the favor!”

Adam waves him off like he’s being silly. “Nahh man, I’m good.”

“You’re good.” Blake deadpans, incredulous. “You’re gonna have to explain that one to me rock star. ‘Cause I’m about as confused as fuck right now.”

Adam shrugs cagily, “What do you want me to say?”

“I want you to tell me what’s wrong! Were you…faking it? That’s not the way to fix this Adam!”

“No, I wasn’t faking it!” Adam’s indignation is peppered with a generous amount of hurt, enough to make Blake feel a little bit like an ass. “Jesus. I just can’t do- I can’t…” 

He’s struggling to find the words, fighting his natural inclination to be evasive. “Look, I just can’t okay? But I wanted to do that. Just because I didn’t fucking come doesn’t mean it didn’t feel good.”

Blake is thoughtful, quiet for a moment as he tries to understand. “Okay. Alright, I’m sorry. I just, I want you to feel as good as that felt for me. I want to make sure you’re doing this because you want to.”

Adam rolls his eyes, but the hint of tenderness in his gaze is unmistakable. “Yes, alright? I wanted it. Just…baby steps okay Shelton? Can we eat the freakin’ food now? Everything’s probably gone cold.” 

His crooked smile is fixed as Blake gives him one last searching look before sighing, “Sure, whatever you say.” Fuck, he could really use a drink right about now…he hopes to God it’s not gonna be like that every time they fool around. Blake doesn’t think he’ll be able to stand just taking his pleasure if Adam doesn’t get more out of it in return next time. 

Adam talks a mile a minute as he picks at his food. Blake watches him to make sure he eats at least half of his portion, content to listen to Adam ramble on about whatever crosses his mind for the duration of the meal. Before too long it’s time to head to set.

The total one eighty from the way in which the day started is a blessing in Blake’s book. They’d taken their separate cars to the studio but hadn’t taken any more precaution than that, so they arrived at pretty much the same exact time. All through the day’s rehearsals, Adam and Blake try to sneak away when their breaks from mentoring their contestants are long enough. 

Blake stops by craft services around two in the afternoon and grabs food for the both of them. He knows Adam will forget. On his way to the rehearsal room designated for the Team Adam contestants, he sees Carson chatting with other members of the crew and tries not to feel like a coward as he quickly turns a corner to take a different route. Adam looks up with a smile from where he’s dabbling on the piano when Blake enters the room. 

“You come bearing gifts!” He says humorously, and makes grabby hands for the take away box. Blake laughs, happy to see Adam in a good mood despite their weird morning. He takes a seat beside him on the piano bench, and they unpack the meal while they catch up on their day.

“Man, one of my team members is really killing it. You should’ve heard her Blake, I really think she could win this whole thing.” Adam is bouncing slightly in his excitement, and Blake feels a rush of affection for the man. 

That they both get such a kick out of helping talented people develop their craft is one of the most important things they have in common. It was what their friendship was forged on in the first place. He’s happy to talk shop with Adam about all the singers on the show while they eat, and the time seems to fly. 

“I’m supposed to be back in a minute,” Blake drawls, glancing at his watch. Looking down he can see that Adam didn’t eat as much as he’d thought over the course of their meal and his worry spikes. Had Adam been trying to distract him?

“Hey, now.” He says sternly. “Just ‘cause we’ve been talking this whole time doesn’t mean you don’t have to finish that.” Adam gives him an indifferent look, but Blake refuses to let this go. 

“I mean it, isn’t that our deal?” Blake holds up his Starbucks cup of ice water and gives it a good shake for emphasis. Adam sighs, “Yeah, yeah…working on it you big hillbilly.”

Blake watches him pick at his food with his fork for a second and realizes this is going to take forever. He grabs the utensil out of his lover’s hand. 

“Hey! What…?” Adam says. 

“How ‘bout I help you out a little bit? Seems like you’re having’ some trouble.” Blake scoops some rice onto the fork and holds it up for Adam, who looks at him in consternation. 

“No freaking way.” Adam whacks the fork away from his face, laughing as rice goes flying across the room. 

Blake makes a noise of protest and shakes his head in mock disappointment. “What a waste.”

“Yeah?” Adam says playfully, “What’re you going to do about it cowboy?” The rock star leans in, looking up at Blake with those damn eyes of his. Blake’s gaze travels down to the man’s mouth, sorely tempted. He really shouldn’t though…not here. What if someone sees?

“Oh, crap.” He mutters as he glances up to the door to double check. Sure enough, through the glass Blake spots several of Adam’s mentees all peeking through at the two of them with wide eyes. They shrink away from the door when they see Blake has caught them. 

“Oops.” Adam says, scooting back on the bench. He clears his throat and starts to quickly clean up the wrappers from their lunch. 

“Well…That’s a problem.” Blake says. “You gonna talk to them?”

“I don’t know,” Adam sighs, frustrated. “Damn it!” 

“Hey, it’s gonna be okay. At least it wasn’t Carson or something.” Blake reaches a hand out to Adam, but thinks better of it half way through the movement. 

“I guess. Well, I suppose we really need to be more careful now. You better go, Blake. I’ll meet you at yours, yeah?” Adam asks. 

He nods, taking the trash that Adam hands to him. “See you tonight.”

…

“Blake…?” Adam slams the front door shut. It’s quiet. Warning bells are going off in his head. From where he’s standing in the foyer he can clearly see several empty beer bottles on the coffee table. His blood runs cold when he spots a bottle of Jack Daniels spilled on its side. 

He takes a few careful steps forward. His boots sound deafening in the silence hovering over the house. He rounds the corner, but sees no one in the kitchen. A quick glance outside reveals that nobody is in the yard either. He sets down his keys, but keeps his phone clenched in his hand. Just in case. 

He wasn’t gone for that long, he thinks desperately. Blake promised. They’d been doing really well. Apparently Blake had been lying to him about how well he was handling all the work bullshit. He should leave right now, he thinks, feeling betrayed. He should walk out and wait for Blake to dry himself out and come looking for him to apologize. He’s worried though. 

What Blake did to himself last time…he should check to make sure he hasn’t hurt himself again. With a sigh he squares his shoulders, trying to shake his nerves. “Blake!” he yells, as he makes for the hallway leading to the bedroom. 

His brisk stride is interrupted when he hears some shuffling coming from the hallway bathroom he’s already passed. Before he can turn and investigate a hand clamps down on his shoulder, wrenching him sideways. With a cry he is slammed into the wall, and his phone is thrown from his hand. As it clatters away across the floor he looks up to see Blake leering at him intensely. 

The country singer stumbles towards him, and with a jolt Adam realizes he’s seen that look before. “Adam…” Blake slurs. “Where’ve you been? You…you tried to leave didn’t you?”

Adam’s eyes dart from Blake’s face down to the phone and back. He puts his hands up, on the defensive and he slides sideways against the wall, trying to edge away. “No I didn’t you jackass. I had a band thing, a fucking promo to shoot for the single. I told you that earlier.”

Blake doesn’t reply, but he does lean into Adam’s personal space. He swallows nervously, trying not to show fear. He attempts to get his anger across instead, use it to try and look braver than he feels. “What about you, huh? I asked if you’d be fine on your own today, and you fucking drank yourself into a stupor. You broke our deal Shelton!” Adam’s full out yelling now, his feelings of betrayal getting the best of him. “You fucking promised me, that makes you a goddamn liar!” 

He’s not sure how much is getting through to Blake, but some of it must be because the older man’s expression has shifted into one of anger. 

“Stop your bitchin’ Adam. You’re much prettier when you don’t talk…” Blake mutters, and Adam is stung by how much that actually hurts. He finds himself wondering how smart of a decision it was to try to have this conversation right now, to antagonize a drunk Blake when his lover starts crowding him against the wall. 

“Don’t you fucking dare!” Adam huffs, shoving Blake away angrily. He doesn’t back off though, and has taken hold of the collar of Adam’s motorcycle jacket. He starts to panic when he realizes he’s losing any control he had over the situation, and fights to break Blake’s grip from his clothing. 

“No. No, Blake. Stop and listen to me, stop it right fucking now!” Adam’s voice is shaky because Blake is pulling roughly at his clothes, trying to yank them away from his frame. He tries shoving Blake away again, but the taller man just seems to absorb the force of the blow. 

The rock star cries out in surprise as Blake pushes him, and he stumbles to his knees as the country singer lays his full weight onto Adam’s shoulder. Everything’s happening very fast, and Adam feels the beginnings of an anxiety attack start to hit him as Blake keeps pulling at his clothes. His arms start to go cold and tingly as he feels the buttons on his shirt pop off rapid fire, and he can feel his chest tighten as his shoulders are exposed. 

“Cut it out, Blake. Please.” Adam pants, throwing his arms in front of himself in an attempt to protect his personal space. He is trying to stay all there; he doesn’t want to check out when Blake’s beyond reason. His heart is pounding in his throat and the tears come unbidden when he’s ignored. Blake runs a hungry hand over his skin, groaning as he caresses Adam roughly. 

Drunk-Blake has only one thing on his mind, and Adam finds it’s hard to get his hands to cooperate with him when they feel this numb. Shoving a palm against Blake’s jaw only seems to piss him off more, and he earns a hit to the back of his head for his trouble. 

He starts gasping in earnest when he finds himself on his back, with Blake over him. He’s been here before. He knows where this goes, and all his fears of this happening again threaten to choke him. It feels like a big, sick joke that this is what he’s getting for giving Blake another chance. 

“Come on buddy…” Adam says tremulously. “Blake, please. I love you…please don’t do this to me. I know you’re in there. I know you are, you have to be.”

Blake kneels over him, one hand clumsily running from Adam’s face down to his now naked chest. Tears come to his eyes as he tries again, “Blake...?” 

Quick as a flash, the country star starts to pull at Adam’s jeans. 

“NO!” Adam kicks at his lover, trying to land a hit that will force him away. 

“You’re not gonna leave me.” Blake rumbles as he catches Adam’s boot. He yanks it off and wrenches the other one away as well. He is panting with the force of his efforts, and Adam is gagging on the stench of the booze as Blake proceeds to jerk the fabric from his trembling legs. 

“I was never going to! Blake, I’m not going anywhere! Please, just stop, I swear you’re not going to be on your own again.” Adam is babbling through his tears, choking on his fear. Christ, he’s so fucking scared. 

His boxer briefs are short work for Blake, who tears at the waistband with almost no trouble. He can’t believe this is happening again. 

Adam can’t stop sobbing. He is starting to feel sick with it, and he is having trouble catching his breath. The tears keep coming though, and Blake is wiping them away as steadily as they are falling. While one hand swipes roughly at Adam’s face, Blake has the other in a much more intimate area.

“Blake…A-agh-!” Blake shushes him. The older man has a hand against Adam’s entrance, tracing two fingers around the pucker there. Dipping one digit into the smaller man gets some colorful noises out of him, so Blake has all the incentive he needs to keep teasing his fingers there. 

Adam is at a level of emotional exhaustion so acute that it’s all he can do to lie there and keep breathing. His head lolls to one side as he hears Blake voice his appreciation. “God, you’re so beautiful Adam. Be good for me and let me see you.” 

Adam’s tears are running down the side of his face now thanks to the new angle, and they soak the tile as Adam feels Blake spread his legs more. He tries shifting away from Blake’s prodding fingers, doing his best to hide himself from him as he lets out a soft sob. He feels like his heart is breaking.

“That’s right, baby. Just like that. Gonna give you what you need,” Blake grunts. Adam attempts to clench his thighs shut, prompting Blake to shift downwards. The southerner grips Adam’s legs, forcing them to stay spread further as he leans in and starts to pepper kisses all over Adam’s thighs. 

“You promised,” Adam heaves through his tears. “Y-you said you’d never do this again…Blake, please! I TRUSTED you!!” He ignores Adam’s begging, totally focused on wrecking him. 

Adam feels the hot breath against his hole, and can’t hold in his crying as Blake finally puts his mouth on him. “Stop!” He shrieks, and with a sudden, vehement twist of his body he is able to loosen Blake’s grip on him. 

Adam feels the adrenaline burst in his veins as he scrambles away. He almost has steady footing when he feels Blake yank one of his legs out from underneath him with a snarl. A snap of pain whips his head to the side, and a warm wetness running from his bottom lip tells him what happened; Blake has backhanded him. 

“Stop moving, or so help me-“ Blake warns, but Adam’s had enough. Not again. Not this time. He throws a punch upwards, aiming for Blake’s ribs. The country star blocks the hit, and wraps one large hand around Adam’s throat, forcing the smaller man back down to the floor. Adam keeps fighting though, thrashing for all he’s worth, until his vision starts going dark. 

“Look what you’re makin’ me do, Adam. If you’d only stay still…If only you’d stop tryin’ to leave me.” Blake’s grunting with struggle of it, but his grip doesn’t loosen. It’s a minute or two before Adam goes still, but eventually he stops moving. His gasping turns to wheezing, which gives way to silence. 

He’s dying. He can’t breathe… Blake is fucking killing him. He can’t believe it. He really thought they were going to make it. Adam’s vision blackens…the last image he sees is Blake looking crazed, and he finds himself thinking that who he’s looking at isn’t really Blake at all, because the Blake he knows wouldn’t do this. Blake loves him. 

 

 

 

...

 

 

 

“…Adam?”

“Hey, come on man.”

“Adam…? Can you hear me?” He’s trying to breathe, but the air keeps catching in his throat. Is he alive right now? 

“Come on, baby. Wake up, Adam, please.” The singer jerks away when he feels a hand brush through his hair. He lets out a scream and a hand flies to his throat. His eyes open to see Blake looking at him. Fuck, he’s got to get away, he has to get out of here but his fucking legs are tangled in the sheets, he’s stuck, he’s stuck…

He pauses, breathing hard. There are sheets around his legs. He can see a blanket on the ground…and Blake is just sitting there, on the other side of the bed. 

His hand falls from his neck, and he starts to cry as he realizes what’s happened. 

“N-none of it was real.” He stammers. “God, it felt so fucking real. Oh my God.”

“It was just a dream, honey. Just a dream, it wasn’t real.” Blake comes a bit closer, but not too much as he tries to comfort Adam. “I’m so sorry Adam. I don’t even know what to say. That…that was way worse than any of the others.”

Adam nods shakily- there’s no denying it. He’s never had a dream like that in his life. He feels cold. The rock star scoots towards Blake. “Will you hold me please? I’m freezing.” He asks hoarsely. 

Blake gives him a baffled look, which only stirs up his feelings of shame and frustration. “Don’t, okay? Don’t fucking look at me like I’m crazy. …I’m just so tired, but I don’t want to sleep anymore.” 

Blake looks at him for a second in sympathy and nods, lying back with one arm outstretched. Adam crawls towards him and nestles his face against Blake’s chest. He takes deeps breaths, repeating the words over and over in his head: ‘it wasn’t real…it wasn’t real…’


	11. Chapter 11

At some point in their life, every one thinks that they might actually be going crazy. Adam has had those moments, but recently he's been asking himself if it could really happen to him, like, for real. 

Days are fine. Adam is able to do his work, and with a bit more effort than it used to take him he can stay on top of it all: filming for the voice, recording tracks in the studio, jetting around the country doing promotions and concerts with the band.

It's nights that kill him. It's not a good sign that these days he wakes up feeling thankful when he suffers a regular nightmare. After a particularly rough night where it took a good five minutes of reassurances of ‘no, no, it was only a dream’ from Blake to get him to snap out of it, he googles what could be happening to him. 

Night terrors seem to be what he's suffering from, a latent result of his trauma. 

He's really fucking sick of feeling like damaged goods, and he's goddamn tired of Blake walking on eggshells around him like he'll just up and explode if he's not careful enough with how he handles him. Fuck, he doesn't want to have to be 'handled'! 

He knows the man is trying, and most of the time he's able to carry off the nonchalance and make it feel normal. But Adam knows he worries.

Ever since that first night terror, Blake had put a stop to their being physical beyond simple kissing and cuddling. "For a while," he'd said. "I wanna make sure these dreams aren't bein' caused by us goin' too fast."

Adam could've screamed he was so frustrated by that, but even though he didn't want to admit it, he too was wondering if the first one had happened because they'd had sex that day.

Could it be his brain's way of warning him off what it considered to be a "risky" activity? He could only speculate. Whenever they both had nights off though Adam would throw himself into physicality, demanding to be touched by Blake as they cohabitated in the country singer’s home. Buzzing around Blake in the kitchen as he cooked, sitting on his lap as they watched TV, and insisting on making out when they were out by the pool was the most he could get out of the other man. 

The last one made Blake particularly nervous, despite them both being aware of the intense privacy and security measures of the neighborhood in which Blake's home was situated. Their relationship was brand new, tenuous at best, and Blake didn't want anyone knowing about it to add additional complications to everything. 

After their little slip up at the studio, Adam had reported much more whispering and giggling from his contestants, and Blake was very worried that they'd start spreading rumors on set. It didn't help that during the shows they'd gone back to their usual banter, only now there was a much sweeter tone to it all. They couldn't seem to help themselves.

Carson didn't draw any attention to it, and Usher and Shakira didn't comment on it but the producers and the editing department were having their fun after such a long time without any fresh "shevine" material. 

It was like crack to the social media platforms, with fans of the show out in full force. Tweets and blog posts feverishly speculating about their relationship were popping up faster than ever. Adam and Blake were vaguely aware of what was happening, but as usual they tried to stay away from all of it within reason. 

One evening in particular Blake had commented that he was being inundated with tweets. They'd been on the sofa watching the game, and emboldened fans had overwhelmed his time line when he'd tweeted a photo of their feet resting on the coffee table in front of the TV screen. 

"Okay, maybe that wasn't so smart," Blake mused, scrolling on his mobile with his eyebrows raised. 

Adam only snorted, shaking his head at Blake's twitter antics. "If we didn't ever post anything, people would take it as us trying to keep our relationship under wraps. We're fine, just ignore it. And stop fucking tweeting, watch the game! That or kiss me."

Where they were confronted by it in the most direct manner were interviews. Adam and Blake played off what they were able, but it was starting to feel like maybe the old brush off jokes weren't cutting it anymore. After a couple exceptionally daring questions from interviewers, Carson talked to the network about more rigorous pre-screening of who was allowed to get the coaches on camera. 

Both Adam and Blake agreed that Carson, Usher and Shakira were the most dangerous of all the risks. The three were the only others aware of Blake being the culprit regarding Adam's bruises a while back and what with their over protectiveness before, Adam was worried they might have a collective aneurism if they found out he and Blake were together. Blake was anxious that Adam’s contestants would say something about what they saw in front of one of the three. 

Basically, it was a mess of lies and deception, and the couple was only able to keep it straight in their heads by swearing to themselves that it was only temporary, until they were better, until they were strong enough as a unit to handle what could be thrown their way.

Hence Adam's supreme frustration at being unable to get his shit together. The nightmares that were haunting him seemed like a huge setback, and he was starting to feel guilty because waking up that way in the mornings left him feeling sick, so he was having a harder time keeping his end of the bargain concerning food. The stress of it all was keeping the weight off despite his best efforts to eat what Blake made for him. 

Blake was steadfastly sticking to his end of the deal though; the man never drank on his own anymore, and he'd sip at whatever beverage they picked to go with dinner and nothing more. Adam hated seeing him itch, obviously jonesing for more, but Blake seemed to genuinely want to stick to their new regime. It was a very literal, real life example of what Blake was willing to do to prove his love for Adam, and the rock star found it completely irresistible.

Sitting in the rehearsal rooms on set was not the time to be having these thoughts, Adam mused. He wanted to kiss Blake silly right now but Blake was strumming on a guitar with the studio band playing accompaniment, a goofy grin on his face. They were trying to figure out a duet that Blake was supposed to sing with one of his team members and Adam was hanging out, waiting for his contestants to finish up with interviews. 

Blake would look over at him every couple of minutes and just smile, prompting Adam to shake his head or pretend to be annoyed with the older man. They’d managed to keep their banter and immaturity in check today, but just barely. 

When Blake had asked him a couple of times for his thoughts on the music they’d chosen he’d struggled to bite back the witty or rude things he’d had to say and keep his comments strictly professional. Maybe there was no point in doing that though, because Blake would grin at him in a way that made the rock star think that Blake knew what Adam was thinking anyway. 

Adam wasn’t being a distraction though; he was putting himself to good use. Blake’s contestant wasn’t scheduled to show up to practice this piece for another 45 minutes so Adam had been filling in for him and singing with Blake when they’d needed to hear what it could sound like. They were getting the harmonization down pretty good, and Adam’s heart soared with happiness as their voices mingled together with the music. 

After a particularly amazing rendition of the chorus the band stopped playing and broke into light applause. “Damn!” Blake whistled, “Now that’s what I’m talkin’ about!” 

“Wow…makes me wonder why the producers hasn’t given you two a duet to sing on the show yet!” Mark quipped. “That was badass.”

Adam ducked his head, hiding his pleased smile. 

"I know why." 

Blake and the band look up, but Adam has to turn around to see who's come through the door. Carson is standing there, looking antsy. He folds his arms across his chest, "Can I get a minute with these two please?"

Blake and Adam glance at each other as the band clears out. "Thanks guys!" Carson calls as the group heads out the door. When it closes behind them it's noticeably quiet. 

"What's up man?" Adam asks. 

"I think you know what’s up." 

Adam shrugs, playing dumb. 

"The two of you haven't been apart for more than a couple hours recently. From what I've been hearing it sounds like you're back to your old ways, have I got that right?" 

"What of it?" Blake's tone is defensive. 

Carson only levels him with a stare, silencing the southerner before turning to Adam, who shrinks a little in his seat. He feels like he's being scolded by his dad or something. 

"You were triggered into having a panic attack because of what Blake did to you before. I don't want to tell you how to live your life-"

"Coulda fooled me…" Blake grumbles, earning a glare from the host. 

"But I want to be absolutely sure that you know what you're doing. The both of you. Believe it or not, I'm happy that you guys seem to be okay, but all of us are really worried that you might have...slip ups." 

Adam tries not to let his frustration show. He tries to remember that remaining calm is the best way to convince Carson that they’re fine. "Look man, it was an isolated incident. We had one falling out...ONE. Which was personal and none of anyone's business by the way. Yes we had a couple of rocky weeks there but we're back to normal, and there's really nothing else to it."

“Hold on a damn minute,” Blake buts in testily, earning a confused look from Adam.

“If mister hotshot here wants the 411 I say we just spill the beans. I mean, it’s clear he won’t leave well enough alone.”

Carson sighs in exasperation, “Blake, I’m just trying to-

“No, no! Let me explain to you what we’re doin’, since you’re so keen. Adam’s been helpin’ me lay off the drinking. We thought we’d keep it just between us, ya know, for the show everyone seems to care so much about. Didn’t think anyone wanted the words ‘recovery’ and ‘alcoholic’ being thrown around the studio, but if you must know then there it is. I’m tryin’ to lay off. So lay off of me.”

Carson is surprised, that much is clear. Adam waits with bated breath for his response, having not expected his lover’s little confession in the least, while Blake just looks ready to throw down. 

Showing off his death wish, Carson only hesitates for a moment more before pushing the country singer’s buttons one last time. "So, if I've been hearing rumors that you two are a thing now, like an actual real couple, it's just the usual stuff? You're telling me that there isn't any truth to it?"

Adam answers before Blake can tear the host a new one. "That's correct." 

Blake couldn't help but be impressed (and mildly worried) by how flawlessly Adam was able to lie straight to Carson's face. Hell, if that had been him he would've believed Adam without a doubt. 

Carson stood his ground for a moment more before shrugging. "Okay. Sorry, but after hearing your people talking, I just had to check. You should probably speak to them Adam, so we don’t have yet another PR risk on our hand.” He scratched his the back of his head sheepishly. "And sorry for interruption your rehearsal. You sounded great."

"We know." Blake quipped, earning a rueful chuckle from the host despite having just been the target of one of Blake Shelton’s infamous rants. Some things never change. 

The couple watched him leave, making sure he walked all the way down the hall before looking at each other. 

"Wow." Adam breathes, shaking his head. "So I guess my team really does take after their leader...seems they can't keep their mouths shut."

Blake looked pissed. "Where the hell does he get off tellin' you who you oughta be hangin' with?!"

Adam shrugs. If he weren’t so annoyed himself, he’d have to suppress a smile at Blake’s southern drawl becoming more prominent with his anger. Adam’s eyes narrow dangerously; after all the work and focus he’d given to his team members they sure had some explaining to do. 

It’ll have to wait though, Adam realizes as the band trickles back in acting casual, like they didn’t know that the three men had just has a confrontation in the rehearsal room. They start up again as Blake tries to get back into a collaborative mindset, but Adam waves to them as he picks up his stuff to leave. The mood for him was ruined, and he didn’t really feel like singing anymore at the moment. He felt more like yelling at someone. 

…

Adam’s work with Blake and the band pay off in spades later that week, because Blake’s duet with his contestant puts the young man in a clear frontrunner position. As he sits in his coach’s chair and watches Blake do his thing on stage, Adam can’t help the huge grin that comes over his face. It’s a little goofy, but he loves the way Blake moves on stage. Even though it’s probably going to cost someone on his team a spot in these last couple of shows he can’t hold a grudge against Blake for it. 

Later in the evening things wrap up, and after Carson waves to the camera crew for final cut Blake and Adam hover for a while, talking to Usher and Shakira over the hubbub of the crowd. Steeling himself, the rock star also walks over to his competitors and congratulates those who made it and consoles those who had been eliminated. 

After an honest talk with them a few days earlier where he’d laid down the law, Adam still felt a little chilly towards the singers but made sure that wasn’t visible to anyone, not even them. He was a true professional when it came to making everything appear fine with coworkers, and despite his own personal feelings he didn’t want to jeopardize anyone’s success. Even if he did feel a little betrayed because of his team’s actions he wanted to make sure they weren’t scared to talk to him anymore because they’d stepped over the line. 

During his chat with them he’d been stern but not mean, and had listened to their apologies calmly. Once they’d had their say he explained how talking about who you work with was a big no-no in LA, especially when contracting with a major network with image concerns of their own. Once they’d been thoroughly chastened he’d moved on to claim he and Blake were NOT a couple, and they hadn’t seen what they thought they had. Not a single one had argued, and that had been that. 

Blake was with his own team, Adam could tell by the sound of his big booming laugh behind him, and Adam talked shop with his group for a few minutes more before one by one, each was swept away for post show interviews. Soon enough it was just the coaches and the crew, with most of the audience gone by now, with the exception of a few die-hard fans that were lingering by the doors in the hopes of speaking to one vocalist or another. 

Blake ambled over to him with a tired smile. “Ready for round two?”  
Adam groaned, letting his head hang down for a moment. He always forgot about the post show ‘press carpet’ until it was time to walk it. He really hated having to charm the interviewers on a weekly basis, and he was very much ready to let Blake handle the brunt of it tonight. 

Though the studio preferred the coaches to talk to each interviewer separately Blake and Adam tended to lump together most times, using their chemistry to burn up time when they were feeling especially exhausted. This was looking to be one of those nights. 

“C’mon man, it won’t be that bad. Twenty minutes tops.” Blake claps a hand on his shoulder, and Adam resists the urge to lean into the taller man’s space as they walk down the ramp. The flash of cameras and the jumble of voices as they walk outside are a bit of a blur to Adam, but he puts on a fresh face and bullshits his way through. 

“Okay, now we’re done!” Blake chuckles as they’re steered back to the staging area near their trailers by an army of assistants and publicists. “Wanna grab a bite somewhere? We haven’t had anything in hours.”

In front of everyone else this is basically code, but Adam knows very well what it means. On these particular filming days there are no breaks for Blake to make sure Adam is getting in his three square meals, and the country singer is anxious to get some food in him and he’s not up for arguing about it. 

“Sure,” Adam says mildly, looking up at Blake. It was kind of amazing to him that Blake was still taking such care with him. The pressure of being the focus of all that attention and love suddenly felt overwhelming though. God, he really needed to just suck it up and start eating cheeseburgers or something- anything to put on a little more weight. The idea was revolting to him however. Unhealthy food just wasn’t the solution, patience was, Adam tried to remind himself. 

Adam continued to berate himself mentally all the way to the parking lot and during the drive to the restaurant, not being pulled out of his head until they actually sit down at a table in the back. “Ah, you’re comin’ back to me I see.” Blake says as he studies him from across the table. “You zoned out for quite a bit there. Anything special on your mind?” 

Adam meets his gaze as he absent-mindedly runs a finger around the rim of his glass. “No. Just gearing up to eat. You know how I am, I’ve got to get into the right headspace.” He wonders if Blake can hear the resentment in his voice, hopes he doesn’t think it’s aimed at him. “I was just thinking…what if I fucked myself up permanently? What if I can’t ever eat like a normal person again?”

He tries to keep his cool as Blake looks at him with something very much like pity. He can’t stand his stupid face when he looks at him that way. “Alright, now you listen to me Adam, ‘cause I’m not sayin’ this again. You’re gonna be just fine. You will rest, and you will heal, and you will be back to your old idiotic self.”

Adam laughs despite himself, prompting Blake to smile at him in relief. “Makes my day when I get a laugh outta you.” Adam tries not to blush.

”Like we’ve been saying, it’s gonna take time. Yes it’s gonna be hard and you’re going to feel like you’re not trying enough because that’s just who you are, but only a little bit of progress at a time is okay. Just let it be, man.”

Adam is so grateful in that moment for Blake and his certainty that things will turn out fine. “If I could reach across this table and hold your hand right now, I would.” He surprises himself a little bit with this confession. It’s very honest, something that he often times isn’t. He brushes off the thought. “Now…what are you ordering?”


	12. Chapter 12

Adam’s dogs come bounding towards the door to greet Blake and Adam as they walk into the foyer. The house is quiet, save for the clacking of the animal’s paws on the tile, and Adam finds himself glad that he’d decided to have Blake come with him tonight to check on his place. He’d been spending so much time at Blake’s that it was starting to feel more like home than home was. Maybe that was a good thing. 

They’re both exhausted from the day so they decide to stay where they are for the night. Adam feeds the dogs, but they’re not interested in the food in the least. They follow him and Blake to the bedroom and jump onto the bed with them. Adam feels his heart lift, grinning as Blake laughs and starts to pet Bones, who is wiggling excitedly. He loves how at home Blake looks in his space…he just fits.

Adam toes off his shoes, looking around with a sigh. “This place is kind of a wreck. Look, there’s even dust on the Steinway.”

Blake smiles. “I don’t know if it’d qualify as a ‘wreck’, but you definitely have more clothes than any man I’ve ever met in my life.”

“Shut up!” Adam laughs. He can’t exactly deny it. There are jeans, boots, and jackets fucking everywhere. “I’m gonna straighten up actually, now that you’ve said that. Half of this crap is dirty anyway.” 

Blake only complains good-naturedly as Adam sets about making dirty and clean clothing piles. He wants to be a good partner though, so he decides to help. The older man slides off the bed and walks over to the piano, his curiosity piqued by the mess of sheet music on and around the massive instrument. He’s pulling the papers together, perusing each quickly before putting them in a neat pile. There’s a ton of Maroon 5 tracks, and a decent amount of Prince and Hall & Oates. He even sees a Rozzi Crane song, which makes him smile. Adam’s mentoring people even when he’s not on The Voice.

As he stoops to pick up the ones on the floor he pauses. These papers have no title. 

“What’s this? More songs for V that you tossed out?” Blake’s examining the crumpled pieces of paper from the floor before Adam can say anything. It takes Adam a moment to realize what they are, but when he does heat rises fast and hot up his neck all the way to his ears. Blake’s curious expression sobers, his eyebrows rising in surprise. He looks unsure. Adam looks down at the floor quickly. 

“Adam,” He says softly, “Did you write this…about us?” 

Adam shrugs his shoulders jerkily, turning abruptly to pick up more clothes to put away. He starts whipping through the room, swiping up things and straightening up at a breakneck pace. 

“Adam” Blake says loudly. “Come on.”

By the time the rock star halts he has a mound of clothes so large in his arms his face is partially obstructed from view. His voice is muffled when he speaks. “It wasn’t anything big. I just had to get it out of my head…I mean, I was still working on it I guess.” He fidgets. “Kinda gave up…I couldn’t make it sound right.”

Blake levels him with a searching stare. “Well… it sounds about right to me.” There’s more to Blake’s comment, Adam senses. He has the feeling that Blake can see right through him, that he knows just where his head was at when he was trying to compose. 

Blake’s curiosity is getting the best of him. “Come here,” He says when Adam stays silent. He sits down on the piano bench, hearing the tell tale thwump of clothes hitting the ground once more before Adam grudgingly takes a seat beside him. 

He refuses to look up at Blake, staring at the keyboard intently. Blake understands. Song writing can be an intensely personal thing, and lord knows some of his own songs will never see the light of day. But these lyrics…they speak too much about what they’re struggling with to be ignored. 

“Will you show me? Please?” He asks. At first Adam doesn’t move, but Blake is a patient man. Eventually Adam’s hands creep onto the keys, his long fingers gently pressing down on chord combinations that fill the bedroom with a sad, soulful melody. Blake sits quietly, almost holding his breath so as to not disrupt Adam in any way. It’s rare to see the singer perform in such a raw environment- without the band, without accompaniment, without his cocky rock star persona. 

Chills run up and down Blake’s arms when Adam begins to sing. At first it’s a little rough, his voice trembling on some of the lyrics, but a deep cleansing breath before the chorus puts any nerves to rest and soon Adam is lost in the heart and soul of the song. Blake is swept up right along with him- the tone of it strikes an ache into his chest, and he feels like he’s reliving these past weeks all over again as he hears the music unfold. 

The last notes leave a ringing echo in the bedroom, and when Adam turns it’s the first time he’s looked Blake in the eye in the past five minutes. His eyes are red, threatening to spill tears but his gaze is resolute, determined to be strong. 

“Thank you.” Blake says softly. “That was beautiful, Adam. Really.”

Adam averts his gaze again, twisting his hands together restlessly. “I wrote it for you.”

The admission floors Blake, and he can’t think of a thing to say. 

“If ever anyone was to sing this in public, it’d have to be you. I can’t sing it to anyone but you. If you want it you can have it.” Adam stands abruptly, stepping away from the piano like he can’t get far enough from the thing. Blake grabs his wrist, stopping him from fleeing. 

“Is that what you want?” Adam looks cagey, like he’s unsure what the right answer to the question is. “I only want to do what you want with it. If you want to put it away, we can.”

“Blake, I just said I wrote it for you. Meaning that in my mind, I’ve only ever heard this song sung by you in my mind. It was never meant for me.”

Blake hesitates. “Well…what if I wanted us to sing it together? As a duet?”

It’s Adam’s turn to be speechless. He processes for a moment before hedging, “Let me think about it, okay cowboy?”

Understanding, Blake nods. He wasn’t going to push it on this, not on something so close to Adam personally, emotionally and creatively. His lover may say that it’s for him to sing, but to Blake it’s obvious that the song came straight from Adam’s heart. He brings his other hand up, so he’s clasping Adam’s hand in both of his. “Are we okay? Do we need to talk about this?” 

Adam leans backwards, using his body weight to pull Blake up and off of the piano bench back towards the bed. “No. I promise. I’m actually really fucking tired of talking tonight.” 

The younger man is sitting on the edge of the mattress, and is pulling at the collar on Blake’s shirt. Their immense height difference at this angle proves to be inconvenient, so Adam entices Blake into joining him back on top of the bed. Adam’s employing all of his charm now, and his seductive stares are doing things to Blake. He’d probably do anything Adam asked him to in this moment. 

“I didn’t know you could do that.” Blake says huskily. He’s staring down at Adam, who’s twisting atop the sheets. Adam is on his stomach, but he’s looking up and around at Blake, showing off just how bendy he can be. 

“Yoga?” Blake asks, unable to tear his eyes away from Adam’s ass. 

“Yoga.” Adam smiles slowly, quirking an eyebrow. 

Blake crawls onto the bed, holding himself over Adam, but stooping down for a kiss. Adam leans up and meets him halfway, returning the contact fiercely. It’s not long before their kisses turn deep and dirty, and Adam moans as Blake manhandles him into a better position. 

They break away from each other with a smack, and Blake is tugging at Adam’s jeans. Now on his back, he wriggles out of them quickly, then kneels to reach up and unbutton Blake’s shirt. He runs a hesitant hand over Blake’s chest, his fingers trailing down, down, until he grips Blake’s belt with a firm hand. Blake chuckles, and helps his lover undo it, sliding it off quickly. 

Blake can’t keep away from this beautiful man, and he licks into Adam’s mouth as he pulls the rest of his lover’s clothing away from his body. The country singer grips one of Adam’s thighs, massaging the muscle there before pulling the younger man’s legs apart. The sight of his lover’s splayed extremities alongside his dark, lustful gaze is one of the hottest things Blake’s ever seen, and the need to get his hands on him is overpowering.

After stroking at the skin of Adam’s thighs and working his way up farther and farther still, Blake lets one finger rub gently around Adam’s entrance, his mouth following suit quickly after. He lays gentle kisses near his pucker, using one hand to keep Adam spread while wrapping the other around Adam’s length in an attempt to give him some pleasure and soothe his shaky breathing. A wobbly moan escapes him as Blake begins to lap at Adam’s hole, and with a small sigh the rock star registers his lover’s finger slipping into him. Finally, finally Blake has some part of himself inside of Adam, and the younger man is hungry for more. 

“Fuck,” Adam whines, utterly eager for anything Blake is willing to give him. He involuntarily cants his hips upwards as he feels Blake slide deeper. He savors the slightly strange slip and slide before it ignites into friction with the addition of another finger. Rapid little kisses along the most intimate parts of his skin ease the whirlwind adjustment to this level of entanglement; he calms a bit because of a sudden sense of safety that overcomes him. He feels safe…like Blake really knows what the fuck he is doing. 

Adam just lies there, feeling Blake working him open and he can’t remember ever being so vulnerable with another human being. Everything about this should send him running, but somehow it gets his heart racing in the exact right way. 

“Jesus, Adam,” Blake pants. “Just look at you.” 

Adam wants to hide behind his hands when Blake says things like this, but a blush flushes his cheeks when he realizes that Blake isn’t exactly looking at his face anyway.

“Hurry up, you dipshit,” Adam says coarsely, wanting the attention off of himself. “God knows we’ve waited long enough, please just-“

Blake’s up and kissing him on the mouth again, silencing his chattering. Blake pulls back, leveling Adam with a more severe look despite his blown pupils and reddened mouth. “Just wanted to make sure I don’t hurt you.” He licks his lips. “You know anytime you start to feel weird you can just say-“

“Yes. Yes, I know,” Adam interrupts, not keen on hearing this speech yet again. He runs a hand through Blake’s hair, tucking some strands behind the man’s ear. “Thank you.”

Without another word Blake bypasses Adam’s mouth, going instead for the currently unmarked territory that is his lover’s neck. He aims to change that. 

Heat scorches all the way from where Blake’s mouth is biting his neck, down, down, down to his stomach as he feels Blake’s cock set against his entrance. Adam whines helplessly as Blake pushes in ever so slowly and after an infinite moment, he slides home. He’s gasping for breath at the pressure of it and staring up at the ceiling, his fingers scrabbling along Blake’s back to his hair. 

Blake growls at Adam’s pulling and grips him tighter, not able to stop from shoving in deeper and fuck, Blake is really fucking big, Adam thinks hazily. He’s waiting for the panic, the alarm bells blazing in his head but they don’t come. His eyes flutter and he’s overwhelmed by a sating fullness, one so heavy that it brings tears to his eyes and a lump to his throat. 

“You have to move now.” Adam says tremulously. “Right fucking now.”

Blake obliges without another word, thrusting steadily, deeply into Adam. The younger man’s hands try feebly to hold onto the sheets, and he throws his head back to expose his throat, to expose all of himself for Blake. He’s so fucking turned on, the sounds of their love making filtering in to the slew of sensations and it’s making it all the more heat-inducing. 

“Damn,” Blake grunts. Adam is really moaning now, bucking in pleasure and Blake has to press down on his upper arms, hold them against the sheets above the smaller man’s head in order to stop some of his thrashing around. He knew that Adam was wild, but this…this was really hot. Another thrust pushes Adam upward a bit on the sheets, morphing his moan into a whimper. Adam looks absolutely wrecked. 

His hair is mussed from flinging himself all over the bed, and what really shoots straight to Blake’s cock are Adam’s eyes. Those eyes looking at him in pleasure-pain, gazing up with so much trust, so much wanton vulnerability. Blake leans down more, covering Adam’s trembling body with his own. Since his hands are occupied in keeping the musician in one place he takes pleasure in nuzzling his head against Adam’s chest, trailing open mouthed kisses up to that sweet spot on Adam’s neck where he likes to leave love bites. Doing so now earns more delicious noises from his lover. 

“I-I…Blake, please.” Adam pants. “I need it. Come on, stop fucking teasing me you jerk. Don’t you dare stop.”

Blake can’t help his smile despite knowing it might piss off his more volatile counterpart. Blake rolls his hips before Adam can speak again, and the rock star practically shrieks with the movement. 

“Yes baby, come on,” Blake grunts as Adam tightens around him, and he kisses the corner of Adam’s open mouth, hitting that spot inside of him a few more times, thrusting with enough force that hitching gasps are all Adam is capable of for a good while. 

His steady pace is quickly flying out the window, and he takes Adam in hand again, stroking his lover firmly to ensure he has his pleasure before Blake totally loses it. 

“Oh god, oh god, aghhh-“ Adam is lost in his own sensations, thrashing and writhing underneath him and god is it beautiful, Adam is so gorgeous this way, breaking apart around his cock as he orgasms, moaning for him like Blake is all he wants in life- white encroaches around his vision and he comes yelling Adam’s name. 

It’s with only the greatest of efforts that Blake doesn’t crush Adam beneath him. He fights through his relaxed fog enough to pull gently away from Adam. His younger lover’s eyes are already fluttering closed, but he emits a beautiful, high-pitched sound at the feeling of Blake pulling out of him. Blake is quick to clean them off with his shirt before tossing it away, because Adam is already reaching for him sleepily. 

They settle into the clean top sheet, Blake’s arms around Adam as their legs tangle together, and they’re drifting away in moments. In his last seconds of awareness, Blake thinks maybe he hears a quiet, oh so soft, “…I love you.”

…

The first thing Adam senses is that he’s cold. He’s shivering, and he throws one arm out to tug the blankets over himself. He accidentally smacks Blake’s shoulder, who groans in his sleep. Adam huffs out a small, tired chuckle and bundles himself in more layers so he can curl up against Blake more comfortably. They must have dozed off. 

The musician falls in and out of consciousness for the next few hours. At one point during the night he’s pulled into wakefulness when he registers his lover holding him closer, his body heat relaxing Adam’s already sore muscles even further. It feels blissfully private; a soft moment only for themselves and Adam wants morning to never come. 

The sun creeps up anyways, filtering in slowly, first with cool shades of fragile blues and purples that all too soon yield to the rich California yellow he’s known his whole life. Not long after sunrise Blake stirs. Adam pretends to still be asleep as Blake lays there for a time, softly stroking his fingers over Adam’s hair, his shoulders, his waist. 

The country singer does get up eventually though. Adam hears the shower and eventually the sounds of him working his way around the kitchen. Adam stretches languidly, a groan escaping him. He feels so deliciously sore this morning, and it sends a jolt of arousal through him. Before Blake, he’d never had the pleasure of feeling sex the morning after in so intimate a fashion. It makes him feel desired, like somebody wants him as he makes his way to the bathroom to clean himself up. 

He lathers up in the steaming shower, and a small, optimistic happiness is bubbling its way through him. He feels brand new this morning, like he’s washing away all the bad days they’ve been suffering through for what seems like forever.

Padding into the kitchen in fresh yoga pants and a hoodie, Adam hears Blake whistling away as he’s working on something on the stove. He wraps his arms around Blake from behind, resting his cheek against the taller man’s shoulder. 

“I’m starving.” He says softly, and he can’t keep the smile from his face as this statement causes Blake to halt his movements for a fraction of a second. 

The country singer is quick to recover though, Adam thinks, because he replies within moments with the nonchalance of a pro. “Well I’m glad rock star, ‘cause I’m whippin’ up some tried ‘n true country breakfast recipes for us this mornin’, courtesy of mama Shelton’s family cookbook.” 

Adam lets out a bark of a laugh. “Holy shit, Blake. That was seriously country, even for you. Should I consider myself an insider now? Getting to try home recipes?”

Blake turns in Adam’s embrace, bringing the hand not holding a spatula to Adam’s shoulder. His gaze is warm and tender. “Yes, you should. You’re stuck with me now, Adam. Consider it a done deal.”

He plants a quick kiss on Adam before shoving him gently away. “Now make yourself useful, go set the table.” 

Adam shoves him back playfully, and sets about completing his task. He hums along with Blake’s whistling, harmonizing effortlessly as he lays down plates and silverware. He’s pulling glasses from the cupboard when the house phone rings, but he chooses to ignore it in favor of keeping up his melodic fun with Blake. 

The beep sounds just as he’s setting down the cups, and he’s pulled off of cloud nine by the sound of a prim, professional voice.

“Good morning Mr. Levine, this is the records department of St. Mary’s South Hospital. We’re calling to remind you that your last few days for filing on your report are coming up, and we’d appreciate you giving medical records a call when you have a chance in order to inform us on what course of action you’ve decided on. Have a good day.”


	13. Chapter 13

“…Fuck-“ Adam puts the glasses down, running to the answering machine. Blake’s by his side in a second, the both of them hovering over the flashing inbox light. 

“What do we do?” Blake asks anxiously. Adam only shakes his head vaguely, trying to think. 

“Maybe it doesn’t have anything to do with us. It could just be a coincidence…we aren’t actually the center of everyone’s universe.” Blake muses, prompting a nervous laugh from Adam. Blake has a point- they could be acting paranoid, but with everything that’s been thrown their way these past few weeks it would be one of the first lucky breaks they’ve had in a long time. 

“I think I should go down there. Like, right now.” Adam says. “I know they said to call, but if I phone them and someone on the other side checks on my file, they could totally take a peak and I’d have no clue. I should be there, that way I can see it for myself.”

“Do you want me to go with you?” Blake asks.

Adam looks up at Blake, trying to decide. “It’s better to play it safe, I think. Having the two of us in there would definitely link you to the incident.” 

Blake’s heart sinks, but he nods. “I wish I could come so you wouldn’t have to go alone.” He pulls his keys out of his pocket. “Take the truck at least, it’s a lot less flashy then your ridiculous sports cars.”

Adam swipes the keys tersely, leaning up to peck Blake on the lips. “I’m going to change really fast then I’m out the door. Hopefully it doesn’t take longer than an hour, then we can have that breakfast you’ve been bragging about.” Blake tries to smile, but doesn’t quite manage it.

Adam is quick on his feet. After the relatively short drive to the hospital he’d decided to park on the top level of the garage where no one else would be. Entering via the parking lift would allow him to ride straight down to records without having to pass by any of the greeting desks. He’d changed into ratty jeans and some kicks, but had kept his hoodie on- the goal was to look like any other LA local. He bounced anxiously on the balls of his feet as he traveled down to the third floor, but when he stepped out of the elevator he was calm, keeping his head down. 

He has to double back two times because the signs are fucking confusing, but eventually he does find medical records; a rather dusty place that seems to be in the midst of an overhaul. There are bins of papers everywhere, with what look to be very young people hauling files this way and that, stacking and sorting. Sounds of a paper shredder can be heard in the distance, towards the end of the long hall of shelves. 

“Umm.” He steps up to the counter uncertainly…it actually looks more like a raised desk; the thing is also covered in papers, the only indication of it being a greeting point is the computer settled in the corner. He startles back a step when a head of bright red curls shoots up from below the counter. The young woman looks thoroughly harassed; she’s already babbling an obviously rehearsed speech as she thumbs through a folder.

“Sir, we can’t help you here. Questions about medical records are to be directed to-“ She halts, her eyes widening as she looks up from her multitasking. “You…aren’t you…?”

Adam jumps in before she can get any further. He puts his hands palms down on the counter, trying to look like someone this girl would want to help. “Hi. Yes, look, I’m only here because I got a call this morning about a security risk? I have to know, please, what happened to my records?”

She regards him for a moment, and Adam has pretty much zero qualms with using a softer smile and wider eyes to get what he wants. She blinks, once, twice, before professionalism once again takes hold. “Right.” She sighs. 

“Well, this is what happened,” She makes a sweeping gesture with her arm to the chaos behind her. A boy who looks even younger than her trips over a carton of paper and almost crashes into a shelf. “The floor above this is Radiology, and one of the coolant tanks for the machines, like, exploded or something, which basically dumped a bunch of liquid onto the medical records.”

Adam is sagging in relief before she’s even finished explaining. Thank god! He’d thought someone had broken in, or dug through the files looking for something juicy. The woman’s still talking though, so he does his best to tune in again. 

“All of us interns were tasked with helping put all records onto the new computer system, since the administration is finally coming out of the Stone Age. But ever since the leak, we’ve instead been assigned to clean up duty.” Her expression shifts into one of extreme annoyance. “Most of the files are ruined, so we only have the single back up copies and no electronic copies. Inventory is going to take weeks. It’s a huge mess.”

“That really sucks.” Adam is commiserating; shaking his head in sympathy, but his minds is racing with this new information. There’s only one copy of most everything….maybe…?

“Listen,” Adam glances quickly at the intern’s nametag, “Hannah- Would it be okay if I asked you for a huge favor?”

Hannah looks unsure, “I mean, it depends. What do you need?” 

“Is it possible for you to run back there and pull any files there are on me? I just want to see them really quickly, I want to see what’s left.” He knows he’s adopting his persuasive pleading tone, but he doesn’t much care. 

She hesitates, looking up at Adam for what seems like an eternity. “That’s really not allowed. Your primary physician is supposed to provide you access, we’re just paper pushers down here. But…I mean, I guess I could…if you just want to look.”

“Thank you! Thank you so much, I really appreciate it.” He’s beaming at her, his hands clasped in gratefulness. 

She smiles hesitantly. “So, it’ll be under…Levine, right?” 

Adam nods with a laugh. 

“I’ll be right back.” She turns quickly, stepping over bins and around trash bags to make her way to the correct section. 

Adam feels like he could jump for joy. The adrenaline that had been thrumming through his veins since he’d left the house was now something he could feel acutely. He needed to sit down. He pulls out his phone; needing to update Blake- he’s probably worrying himself to death. Hannah’s fast though, already headed back up to the front before Adam can finish his message. He slides his mobile back into his jeans in order to give the intern his full attention. She is carrying only one slightly soggy looking file. 

She presses it gently onto the counter. “Here it is.”

Adam picks it up slowly, memories of that day edging their way into his mind. He thumbs the edge of the file, eyeing the stack of photos inside. He doesn’t open it though. 

“Is this the only copy left?” Adam asks, looking back to Hannah.

She nods, “Yeah. There was another copy listed on the bin, but it was ruined alongside a bunch of others. The remains were shredded yesterday.” She’s fidgety. “Look, I really have to get back to work, okay? You can look at that right here, I’ll give you a minute or two.”

She stoops down to heave a crate onto the desk. It lands heavily with a thwack. “Just put it in here once you’re finished.”

“What’ll happen to it?” Adam can’t help asking. 

“That copy will be the back up paper version, but the information will be transferred to our new digital records.” She’s already got another stack of papers in her arms, back to sorting as she speaks. Adam feels guilty for delaying her, but he doesn’t like the sound of that. He doesn’t want this file anywhere near computers, anywhere near where the Internet could potentially reach it. 

His worrying stops him from noticing that the intern has wandered away again until he looks up and she’s nowhere to be seen.

“Uh…Hannah…?” He calls uncertainly. A few other employees glance his way, but they’re too busy to pay much attention. 

Adam knows that he can be stupid sometimes. Like, really stupid. But when the impulse to do something risky hits him at this moment, he doesn’t hesitate. He looks around at the mess for a second more before tucking the file under his hoodie. He quickly walks out of the department and to the elevator before he loses his nerve. 

His heart is pounding the whole time he’s walking to his car and he slides into the front seat with a great sigh of exhaustion. He feels bad. He hopes he doesn’t get Hannah in trouble, but she was so busy that maybe she’ll forget about his file. After all, it was just going to be another one in that bin, and when they find that it’s missing they’ll think it was just another victim of the leak. 

Adam keeps rationalizing his behavior all the way back to his house, and when he walks through the front door he’s feeling so guilty that when Blake greets him he jumps about a mile into the air. 

“How’d it go?” Blake asks anxiously. He’s rubbing his hands on his jeans, an absent minded gesture of worry. 

“Uhh…it was fine.” Adam’s voice is higher pitched than usual, the forcibly nonchalant tone a dead give away. He winces internally at his damning inability to carry off his lie. 

“Adam.” Blake sounds alarmed. “What happened?”

The rock star fidgets a little bit, shifting his weight from one foot to the other before pulling the file carefully out from his hoodie. Blake’s eyes widen. “Is that…?”

“Yeah.” Adam breathes. “I kind of maybe…stole it?” He shrugs. “If it’s possible to steal information about yourself. I mean how wrong could it be, it’s my file for crying out loud.”

Blake is looking at him in incredulity. “Well did anyone see you? How did you even-?”

Adam sits him down, explaining the whole ordeal with the folder clutched to his chest on the couch. Blake whistles once it’s all out there, impressed in spite of himself. “Well, I think the odds are in your favor with this one Adam. I mean this is kind of a shitty thing to say, but who would believe that girl if she did suspect something and reported it?”

This makes Adam feel guiltier about his behavior instead of reassuring him, but he doesn’t say this to Blake. The both of them grow quiet. Now that the immediate possibility of disaster has been averted, the reality of what Adam is holding sinks into Blake’s mind. The existence of that file in the first place is entirely his doing. 

The weight of the papers in Adam’s hands seems to be getting heavier and heavier with each passing moment and though he isn’t really eager, now is probably the time to talk.

Adam stands before Blake, holding the file carefully. “This folder holds one of the darkest days of my life in it, a day that you were responsible for.”

Blake nods, looking down at his shoes, his hands covering his face. Adam continues. “It was a horrible, awful fucking thing.” Adam takes a deep breath. “But it was a mistake, and Blake- even though it happened, you’re also the source of my happiest days, my brightest moments, because you’re the man I love.”

Blake looks up when he hears a rush of air. Adam has flipped the switch on the wall, lighting the fireplace. “Adam-“

“I love you Blake. I’m ready to forget this part of our lives. Let’s move on, yeah?” The rock star has one hand holding the paper over the fire and one reaching for Blake. The country singer stands, going to his lover. He takes Adam’s hand.

The heat of the fire warms him, and he watches the flames flicker in Adam’s dark eyes. With their fingers interlaced Blake leans down and kisses him tenderly. “Yeah.”

They don’t speak anymore. With a quick intake of breath Adam tosses the folder into the fire, sparking a rush of cinders and embers. The fire brightens, long tendrils of flame curling the paper and blackening it. Blake squeezes Adam’s hand hard as the memories turn to ash in front of them.   
…

The day of the season finale has finally arrived, and Adam slips out of bed early to get a head start on the day. He’s quiet with his morning routine because Blake is still sleeping like the dead under one blanket and two snoring dogs. The rock star closes the front door very gently, anxious to not make a sound. 

He wants to let Blake have his rest, and this is definitely one day where work needs to be one hundred percent his top priority. He could barely sleep a wink, his thoughts racing with all the plans and strategies he’d agonized over all season. Driving to set brought them all back to a buzzing whirl in his brain, and by the time he’s actually in the studio he is ready to get all the energy out and into the open.

While the crewmembers and network people are setting up there aren’t many others on set yet. He knows that if Shakira still had someone going into the finals she’d be here this early as well, and he feels a little bad since she’d desperately wanted to win this season. 

Adam wanders over to the craft services area to grab a tea, and after hovering around the food for a minute he decides to grab a breakfast wrap. He knows it’ll make Blake happy that he’s eaten breakfast today, even though his anticipation for tonight’s performances will probably prevent him from eating the whole thing. 

Getting down to business, Adam selects a rehearsal room and starts moving chairs and instruments, arranging things just so in order to optimize the limited time he has left to give advice. His pocket buzzes, and when Adam slides his mobile out he sees a text from Blake lighting up his screen. ‘You little cheat! Getting a head start on me ain’t fair!’

Adam chuckles, typing back that he better get his butt down here then. While he’s thinking of it he also texts Grimmie good morning, asking for her arrival time. Working his way through his meal bite by bite as he situates everything gets him through half the wrap, and deeming it enough he tosses the rest in the trash. 

He’s reviewing his notes for improving Christina’s solo and rehearsing his own part of their duet when Blake blows in, a coffee in hand. 

“Man, look at you.” He quips. “Already rehearsin’ when everybody else is still sleeping!”

Adam smiles at him from where he’s perched with a guitar, strumming away. He’s in the middle of the song so he doesn’t offer more of a greeting than that, but Blake makes himself at home while he waits for Adam to finish. Instead of clapping at the end, Blake only nods before deadpanning, “We’re still gonna kick your ass Levine.”

They both dissolve into giggles.

This little moment to themselves is interrupted by the arrival of Christina, and Adam welcomes her with open arms, anxious to really get started. He wants to win this thing. Blake gets out of their hair, off to prepare his own contestant, and the rest of the day goes by in such a whirlwind that they don’t have a moment to think until it’s all over. 

Adam won’t lie and say he’s not disappointed, but in the end he’s happy for Josh. They all deserved it so much, and the fact that he’s signing Christina to his own label is fine by him- he believes so much in her, he doubts her loss will stop her from rising to the top, especially since she’s already bounced back, babbling excitedly about song ideas and the creative opportunities she’ll be getting soon.

Having no doubts about her ability to be just fine, he’s free to wander around in the weird post-press pre-party time. Blake’s still busy, so Adam runs to his trailer to clean up and change before heading to the lounge.

The bar is already open, so Adam gets comfortable while people start to fill in the space. Music is piped in and things really get started as Adam nurses his drink- fielding questions from guests and colleagues, entertaining people and making them laugh while he waits for his lover. His smile is enormous when he sees Blake shuffle in, towing Jake along and giving the kid hell as usual. 

Adam swivels on his stool, ordering a vodka tonic for Blake so it’s ready by the time the country singer ambles up to him. He counts to 5 in his head, and on 4 a heavy hand claps him on the shoulder. “Some ending, huh?”

Adam nods, turning with Blake’s drink in hand. “Yeah. Some ending. Happy for him though.” He glances around discreetly before adding in a lower tone, “Savor that one, cause you only get one more after that.” 

Blake takes the beverage, and Adam leans back quickly when Blake suddenly leans forward towards him. Blake’s urge to kiss Adam in thanks is almost automatic by now, and entirely dangerous. The longer they’re together, the harder it is to keep their space, to remember that some things would give them away. Adam can tell Blake’s forgotten himself for a second by the way he returns to his upright posture with a sheepish smile, uttering a ‘cheers’ before sipping on his drink. 

“So…” Blake drawls. “We’re done man. Another season gone.”

Adam shakes his head, marveling at how fast it’s gone. “At least we get some time off now. Three weeks to ourselves!” 

Blake doesn’t look so happy about it though, and Adam’s slight confusion turns to sadness as he realizes why. The end of a season means the beginning of touring, promos, and the end of their routine of seeing one another daily. In all the chaos, he’d barely given the future a thought. What were they going to do now? 

“About that.” Blake begins, putting his drink down. “There’s somethin’ I’ve been meaning to give you for a while now, it just hasn’t come up and I keep forgettin’”. 

Blake pulls out a key attached to a small ‘I heart Oklahoma’ keychain. Adam feels butterflies in his stomach. “I know things are about to get a lot more hectic with us, and I figured you having a key to my place here in LA would be helpful. Of course, you don’t have to give me one of yours if you don’t want to but I just wanted to show you…ya know, that you’re always welcome whenever you feel like it.” 

Now Adam is really wishing that they were somewhere more private because all he wants to do is wrap his arms around Blake and kiss him silly. He settles for taking the key, letting their fingers mingle together for an extended moment. He coughs, clearing his throat. “Thanks, Blake. Trust me, you’ll be getting one for my place tomorrow.” 

Blake smiles, beaming because he can see how emotional Adam is actually feeling about the gesture despite his mild exterior, and he feels awesome because he’s done something right by this wonderful man he gets to call his boyfriend. 

Adam starts messing with his straw, swirling it in his glass, unsure of what to say now, what he can say with them being in a very public place. Why do they always have these moments in front of strangers?

“It’s funny actually,” Blake continues, leaning on the counter next to Adam so they can talk more quietly. “Usually around this time I’m heading back to Oklahoma, but this year that’s not really on the agenda.”

The unspoken fact behind this change is Miranda, and Adam is all for not bringing her up right now, or ever again- it’s still a raw subject for Blake, who was cut deep by the whole situation. “Well, what’re you going to do now? You could go anywhere you want, you’re a free agent!” Adam’s try for humor doesn’t quite stick because Blake’s looking at him like he’s a complete dumbass. 

The country singer shakes his head. “Thought I’d stay right here. A lot may be wrong with this godforsaken town but there are a couple things it’s managed to get right.”

Blake and Adam are grinning at each other like fucking idiots, and for the first time in forever the rock star feels like everything is going his way.


	14. Chapter 14

The air in the auditorium was cold as ice but Adam is warm. The anticipation that always came before a show is heating his skin, and his chest feels like a furnace. He knows eventually that the heat from all of the bodies will warm the venue, but for now everyone has just arrived, milling about excitedly in the pit below the stage, and so that initial chill is still in the air giving everyone shivers.

The band is clumped together off to the side pumping themselves up for their performance, mingling with backstage folk and the lucky few with passes for the show. He isn’t nervous- he rarely is anymore. But he is feeling a bit edgy because Blake was supposed to meet him here and he has yet to show up. It’s a big night for the band. 

Tonight is the kick off show for their new cross-country tour to promote V. His bags are packed and the fleet of buses provided by the label are all gassed up and ready to go for their early morning take off time.

An ache in Adam’s chest that hasn’t gone away in weeks swells once more as he thinks of it. Tonight is going to be his last night in Los Angeles for quite some time. Usually Adam is irreverent when it comes to these types of things, but this chapter of his life has been a weird, amazing, sick one, and he can’t help getting a little reflective now that it’s coming to an end. He feels like he’s on the precipice of something big, something real- and all of it has to do with Blake. Who isn’t here right now.

He flinches away when Jesse shoves his shoulder, but when he glares over at him he sees his band mate pointing. Blake has come up the stairs to staging, looking a little out of breath, and Adam’s confusion overshadows his relief when he sees his boyfriend clutching a guitar case.

Adam walks over to Blake, hugging him casually but letting it linger for as long as possible without looking weird. “What’s this?”

The country singer looks around uncertainly. “Sorry I’m late. Have y’all got a minute before you go on? Can we talk?”

When Adam nods Blake pulls him off to the side, shoving stage curtains back so they can get to where mounds of AV equipment are piled up and out of the way. No one will see them here. It’s close quarters and Adam can’t help feeling like they’re in a proverbial broom closet- it’s a hint that what Blake has to say is of some significance and his heart races a little bit.

Blake’s words are quiet and sincere. “This guitar has gone on the road with me for every trip since I left Ada for Nashville all those years ago. I know we’re both touring this summer and I usually take this thing with me, but this time around I’d feel a lot better if it traveled with you.” He shrugs, looking self-conscious.

“It’s kind of my lucky instrument. You don’t even have to play it, but if it’s ridin’ with you from place to place it’ll be enough. With this baby in tow, everything works out okay in the end.” Blake hands the guitar over to Adam perfunctorily, a gesture that starkly contrasts with the obvious thought and emotion behind his words. Adam doesn’t know what to say.

With a quick glance over his shoulder the rock star gets on tip-toe and lays a kiss on Blake that he hopes can convey just how much this means to him. He leans on Blake, letting their mouths hover close together as they share breath.

“Thank you,” Adam whispers, letting his fingers reach up and card through Blake’s hair. “I’ll keep it safe for you.”

Blake has the shivers now too, but for an entirely different reason than the cold. Their time is ticking away, and Blake can hear production assistants calling for his little rock star so he doesn’t hold back. “I love you. I’ll be watching from back here.”

“I love you too, Blake.” Another quick peck and Adam’s gone from his arms, dashing around the curtain and into the public eye once again. Blake shoves his hands in his pockets, shuffling his feet as he hears the screams of the crowd from just around the corner.

The sound of drums, keyboard and overlay drown out the cheering and once the band is well into their first song of the night Blake decides he can come out of hiding. He walks over to the edge where he’s only just out of sight, and watches Adam do his thing.

The performance is entertaining and fun, and the audience is going wild for it. Blake knows that it’s also the first of many more almost identical ones that have yet to come. Touring is grueling, and he’s going to miss Adam more than anything. He’s already tasked management with trying to find him some days where he can have a break, or to see if his schedule overlaps with Maroon 5 at all during the season.

Blake’s thoughts consist of marveling over his and Adam’s blossoming relationship and the memories they’ve already made, so the set list seems to just fly by. These past three weeks have been the most amazing gift, and they’d savored every single second of it. The break had been just what they’d needed, holing up in Adam’s house and just being with each other for as long as they could. 

They were doing good: Blake had really stuck to his guns, and to his amazement his cravings had gradually been fading away. It was just a hunch, but he had an idea that being with Adam was helping to replace those cravings with something better for the both of them. He felt like a new man.

Adam was thoroughly on his way as well, and relief filled the country star every morning that Adam was able to wake up without a nightmare. Those mornings were becoming more and more frequent. He didn’t dare say a word about it, but Adam had also started to put a little weight back on and had really begun taking care of himself again. Right now their lives were colored with so much happiness and hope that it was drowning Blake in feelings of contentment; something he was a-okay with. It’s the second to last song when Adam takes a quick break to speak to the crowd and it pulls Blake out of his reverie.

“Is everyone having a good time?” He shouts into the mike. The screaming from the crowd in reply makes Adam recoil a bit, prompting Blake to really crack up. He isn’t laughing for long though because in typical Adam Levine fashion, the rock star throws everyone for a loop by improvising.

“Good to hear, good to hear,” Adam smirks off to the side, making eyes at Blake. “Listen though, you guys, I’ve kind of been working on this song with a friend of mine and I really wanna try it out for an audience. Would you be down for that?”

More screaming. Blake is stumped. What the heck is Adam doing?

Adam laughs, dancing around a little, a ball of perpetual energy. “Awesome! Well, this friend of mine is a bit of a singer himself…you might know him actually… anyway, I wrote this song with him in mind and I’d really love for him to come out here and help me. Hey man! Bring that guitar too! You’re gonna need it.“

He’s waving Blake onto stage, and the country singer’s heart is racing. Shaking his head in surprise, he turns and hefts the guitar case under his arm. The group backstage parts ways for him, and the noise from the audience when they catch sight of him is deafening. He gives a little wave, feeing a tad overwhelmed. He wasn’t exactly prepared to perform tonight.

“Mr. Blake Shelton, ladies and gentlemen!” Adam croons, and Blake could just slap him upside the head, but at the same time he wants to kiss his boyfriend silly. They both settle onto stools brought out by the lightning fast stagehands, and the crowd is murmuring in anticipation at the prospect of hearing a new song. Adam pulls his lyrics out of his back pocket, a small folded paper that looks thoroughly worn out.

Adam sets his mike back into the stand and covers it, leaning into Blake’s space. He’s grinning for the crowd, but up close Blake is able to see the softness around his eyes and mouth that tell of his sincerity when he says, “You wanted to sing the song as a duet Blake, so I’m giving that to you. Here’s your chance.”

Blake can only smile quietly at him, readying the instrument he’d just gifted to Adam to play. Strumming a few chords hushes the crowd, and once he’s played the through the notes for a minute or two Adam catches on and jumps in. Blake lets his lover carry most of the melody because in his heart this will always be Adam’s song, but he puts his best into harmonizing when it feels right.

He enjoys watching Adam lose himself in the tune, clinging to the mike stand and closing his eyes as he sings with all his might. The mood of the room shifts, and the country singer feels like true artistry has taken over the stage, much the same way it had for Blake when he’d heard these lyrics the first time around. It’s amazing that these words are now something that they can sing together from a place of love and strength, and Blake’s heart swells with pride and affection as he is awe struck by how far they’ve come.

The moment seems as if it’s frozen in time, but it ends soon enough and the people are fanatical in their appreciation. Blake bumps Adam’s shoulder playfully because the enthusiastic clapping doesn’t die down for quite some time, and he just has to join in.

“Yeah!” He shouts along with the crowd, clapping for his lover. He’s never felt so proud, and he can’t help but let out a booming laugh as Adam ducks his head, looking shy on stage under the onslaught of praise.

Yep, Blake thinks, they’ve come a long way and they’ve still got a long way to go, but he sure is lookin’ forward to the ride. He knows it’s gonna be a wild one.


End file.
